Anal Sex Tips

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By Jessica Cocker

As someone who loves anal sex I am always surprised when someone tells me they’ve never tried it before. When I ask what was keeping them from giving it a try, fear of pain is usually the answer. Remember, just because a masochist might enjoy pain, that doesn’t mean we enjoy ALL kinds of pain. So, how do you go about attempting anal sex comfortably?

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Safe, Sane, and Consensual

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by Tamar Kay
Copyright©1995

You will often hear it said that the first and most important rule in B&D-S/M is that all things we do with each other must be safe, sane, and consensual. What does this mean? Ask any set of experienced players and you’ll get a different set of answers. Here’s mine.

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Making Time for Kink

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By Rose Petal

So, you’re in a BDSM relationship? You have kids? You have a job? You have other responsibilities besides the ones to your Daddy/Dom, or Mommy/Mistress? You have a life, right! As much as we want to, we don’t always have enough time in the day to please everyone, and if you are remotely human, you probably please yourself last at the end of the day, if you get the chance at all. So how do we make the special time we do have with our partner count, when all too often, it is but a fleeting hour of pleasure once or twice a week? Continue reading

How to Make My Partner Dominant

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Fan Question:

“heres my problem i am a natural sub but my current bf kinda is too. ive asked him to be more domanat but hes so senstive and sweet hes tried some of the things ive told him i like but its like hes scared to domanate me like i so wish he would. how can i help bring him out of his shell and amke him feel more comforatable and want to be my master. sn this is the frist relationship hes ever been in with a sub he actually never knew about this life style before we got together any helpful ideas would be great”

 

Answer: If your current partner isn’t naturally Dominant, there’s no way to “covert” them. Someone has to have some dominant or submissive qualities in order to take on those roles.. so someone who is more submissive would feel extremely uncomfortably taking on a Dominant role. Sorry, but there’s no “Dominant To-Do List” that will create a Dom person.

New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior by Jade

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New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior

Finding the One is not an easy task and submissives are at some definite disadvantages compared to their “vanilla” counterparts. The nature of submissives can make them less likely to initiate an encounter with someone who has caught their eye and the D/s lifestyle makes it difficult for subs to aggressively seek the attentions of a Dominant that has pricked their interest. So how does a submissive get noticed? The answer is often this: By her or his behavior. That behavior can be good or bad, as is the notice it receives. Some things always apply and these are a few of the most important ones.

  1. Be respectful. Showing respect for others and yourself is a must in almost any situation. There is seldom an excuse for anyone, especially a submissive, to be rude, disrespectful or disruptive. In a real-life social situation it probably will not be tolerated and will most likely lead to you being viewed in a negative light by those who take the lifestyle seriously. Online, it exposes you for what you are: untrained or a wannabe. We’ve all seen the sub who brags about handcuffing a Dom to a chair, is constantly causing a disturbance during polite conversation or jumps in every lap in the room. Believe me, this is NOT the way for submissives to act, nor is it acceptable in any real-life situation I’ve ever seen. It is very hard to be respectful to someone who doesn’t deserve respect and we’ve all encountered situations where we’ve been pushed past our “limits” of tolerance. It takes some real ingenuity to find a tasteful way to tell someone to “take a hike.”

  2. Be polite. Good manners are appreciated everywhere, and in a formal D/s situation, they are imperative. The use of such things as “Thank you,” “Please” and “You are welcome” will not go unnoticed, just as the failure to use them won’t go unheeded. Using common courtesy may go a long way in gaining you some positive attention; at the very least, it won’t give you a negative reaction.

  3. Be well groomed and dress appropriately. Contrary to popular belief, submissives do not run around half-dressed or naked in all social situations. Maintaining a neat, clean appearance will gain more positive attention than a thong and chainmail bra. Being demure and feminine (if you’re a female) is often the best option. Remember, a potential Dom is looking for a submissive, not a call girl, so a little modesty should be your trademark in most social gatherings. Some things look much better when enhanced by the imagination and a little hint can be a nice appetizer before the feast.

  4. Be well behaved. Being well-behaved speaks louder than any words you could use. Your actions will be watched by any interested Dominant, and although you won’t be expected to be perfect, you will be expected to have behavior befitting of someone He/She would want to claim as theirs. Misbehaving seems to get a lot of attention but it’s not the kind you may want. Picture a spoiled or undisciplined child who disrupts a classroom. The teacher is very aware of this child, but I doubt he or she want to take that child home. Although some Dominants may enjoy the challenge of a “feisty” submissive, I doubt many want the “subbie brat from hell.” Dominants take pride in the behavior of their submissive, so start out on the right foot.

  5. Be yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be what you think someone else is looking for. It’s important to be yourself. If you are playful and spirited by nature, then by all means don’t be afraid to show this side of you. The same applies if you are the more serious, quiet type. Little will be gained by trying to be someone you are not. Sooner or later your true nature will be apparent and both you and your Dominant will be in for some major problems and disappointments.

 

Source: http://web.archive.org/web/20071010061319/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/advice.shtml

A Submissive’s Bill of Rights by Jade

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A Submissive’s Bill of Rights

  1. You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word “submissive” describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.

  2. You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.

  3. You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.

  4. You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else’s. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.

  5. You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns. Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn’t feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don’t like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.

  6. You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it’s your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.

  7. You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn’t, then something is wrong.

  8. You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn’t include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.

  9. You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they “belonged” for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It’s in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of “belonging” at last.

  10. You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn’t fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don’t settle for less.

  11. You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it’s up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.

  12. You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it’s a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart.

Source: http://web.archive.org/web/20071010061319/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/advice.shtml

Deanna Deadly for A Submissive’s Initiative

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A Submissive’s Initiative photo shoot with Deanna Deadly. Photography by Lost In The Woods photography – Eternity Shaina, rope work by A Submissive’s Initiative
T-shirt available HERE.

Abusive Past

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Fan Question:
“Hi sorry to bother you im just looking for sum advice im new to the lable of a 24/7 submissive ive had a previous relationship where my submission was abused so now ive been extremely bad and been very bratty to the poin where my sir as questiond my submissiveness and he got extremely aggressive with me and told me I just wanna be dominated not submissive x it really hurts deep inside when I displease him x but he lost his temper sud I stay accept my punishment for being bad or as he crossed the line losing his temper with me x”

Answer: Everyone is allowed to lose their temper, and everyone is allowed to make mistakes. I think the main thing is where you guys go from here. I think the best thing is to sit down and have a good, open discussion (without pointing any blame) and talk about the facts. Where do you want your relationship to go? What can you both do to improve the communication, etc. He also has to understand (and you should tell him, if he doesn’t already know) about your past.. because that will change how you react and how you submit.. even if you don’t realize it. It’s a part of you.

Desensitivity

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Fan Question: Since I started using an hitachi, it’s harder for me to achieve orgasm by manual stimulation. It’s embarrassing sometimes when I can’t orgasm for my Dom even though He’s doing all the right things. Thoughts?

Also, could you discuss the topic of squirting??

Answer: It sounds like you’ve desensitized and I would suggest to reduce use of toys until you regain some sensitivity to that area. Since the Hitachi was designed for muscles and not sexual stimulation you have to use the product in that matter with caution.

Vanilla Men

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Fan Question:

“Hiya! Can I ask some advice? Maybe also to the page page fans but I hope I can be anonymous…

A few months ago I have broken out of a 24/7 D/s, in a bdsm setting I’m submissive. It was my first D/s experience and the relationship lasted 18 months. At the moment I am single, not really looking for a new Dom/Daddy or maybe vanilla-ish partner but it looks like men smell I am single again, they come right at me. I am open about my orientation. What I see what happens is that men are interested in me, they say they are not into bdsm but I notice they think I’m kind of a sex freak (which maybe I will be to them) and they can do everything with me. Do more submissive single notice this? Maybe it has something to do with the 50 Shades hype? However, I don’t like it. There even was a man complaining I behaved not submissive to him and by the tone of his words I could hear he was disappointed although he did not tried to dominate me. He does not have a clou what bdsm is about, I don’t have to tell you that. Are there more single submissives have this kind of experience, vanilla men that are disappointed that you don’t submit to them? And do you also have the feeling vanilla men come after you because you are bdsm orientated?

How do you handle that? I don’t want to look for a D in the scene at the moment and some vanilla’s are quite nice and even into rough sex, which can open grounds for maybe some bdsm components and a bdsm exploration. I’m not searching but I’m open for nice people.”

Answer: Unfortunately, it is pretty common. Those who aren’t experienced or knowledgeable about BDSM tend to generalize submissive females as “freaks”.. or maybe they just confuse the term with nymphomaniacs? It comes with the territory and is something we can either help correct through education (which is our goal here) or learn to deal with. If you are upfront about your needs, then you should get the results you desire. If you want a dominant partner who is willing to develop a D/s relationship, then you’ll find that.. but if you continually look for a dominant figure in a vanilla world.. you’re most likely going to find more and more people expecting you to act promiscuous because you identify as a submissive. You can always check out BDSM communities and talk with people online who have BDSM in common with you.. develop friendships that way