How BDSM Saved My Marriage and Gave Me Peace of Mind

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This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever. Continue reading

How to Spot a Potential Abuser

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Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think “Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” This checklist is a general one, as well all know in the BDSM lifestyle, some of these signs are not that of an abuser but of a good dominant, but like all things it doesn’t hurt to have a good idea about what might fall under the category of a potential abusive relationship/person.

HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST

  1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person? (no dominant should make you scard to act like your normal self, if you are then that is not right)
  2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you? (The key to a lasting BDSM relationship is open communication, if your dominant is not listening to you, and will not talk with you about any of your fears or the like, then this might be called a red flag by many)
  3. Do you catch this person in lies?
  4. Are you this person’s only friend? (this does not always denote a abuser, some of us do not have a large friend list that we tend to associate with, this does not necessary mean the person will turn out to be an abuser)
  5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
  6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
  7. Is this person mean to animals?
  8. Is this person subject to road rage?
  9. Does this person anger easily?
  10. Does this person hold grudges?
  11. Does this person express their anger physically?
  12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
  13. Is this person jealous of your friends and relatives?
  14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends? (This for many that I know if number 1 red flag)
  15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
  16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
  17. Is this person totally fixated on you? (some people say that there is a different between a loving partner and someone who is fixated on you, and its true, but some partners who are considered to be extreamly love and caring unfortunatly by some fall to various degrees into this catagory, thus its up to you to trust you own instints in this matter)
  18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
  19. Is this person co-dependent? (again this is a debated topic among many people apparently, some believe that you can’t have a M/s relationship without developing a co-dependence, others will argue otherwise.)
  20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
  21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
  22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
  23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
  24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell you to just “trust them”?
  25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
  26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
  27. Does this person take your money?
  28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see or go to the movie of their choice? (this for some might be a red flag, but in a M/s relationship its not necessarly so, depending on the level between the two partners.)
  29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY objected? (as many might think, that might not be a red flag, but it can be if the dom doesn’t stop when a safe word is used)
  30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
  31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you? (This is not always the case as you might know, but then again doing this in anger is never good at any point in time, also if the intent of injury is more then temp or consentual then well of course its up to you to feel if its abuse or not)
  32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
  33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times?
  34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up on you to make sure? (this might not always be a red flag, if it is something that is already known within your relationship, and has been agreed upon)
  35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail? Listen to your phone calls?
  36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
  37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
  38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows? Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.

If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in what many people would call an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse is likely to be. However, this list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation will likely be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counselling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counselling.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now! You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org

Ten Tips for Bringing BDSM Into Your Bedroom

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“I loved your book so much I tried to tie up my boyfriend while he was asleep. He woke up before I could, but it all worked out anyway…”

Ah, the delicious meaning in that dot, dot, dot. This fan mail is one of my favorites, a definite keeper, but it is probably not the best approach for introducing BDSM in your bedroom. The road to restraining orders starts here.

The truth is, I’ve always had readers interested in this topic but the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena has planted seeds in the minds of millions of Americans. So how do you introduce BDSM into your bedroom in a way that can lead to fun, intimacy and a little dot, dot, dot?

As an erotic romance writer and full-time “sub,” I have some experience in this realm. Below I’ve listed 10 tips to get you started. Given the current female interest in the submissive role, I’m going to proceed under that pronoun assumption, but the following applies if he’s the one tied up, so to speak (but keep him conscious, please!).

1) Talk about it – You’re thinking about it, but it may not have crossed your partner’s mind, so take the time to talk it out. Consider reading him your favorite scene from an erotic romance that sparked your interest in exploring more. Tell him what intrigues you about it. See how he reacts, but don’t judge or push. Don’t take things too seriously. If you’re doing this to spice up your relationship, this probably won’t be a problem, but if you’re exploring innate feelings about being a Dominant or submissive, you can get a little overwhelmed by all the things you want to try. In these first stages, take it slow, relax and have fun with it. That will help your partner do the same.

2) Stay away from the Internet – Trust me on this one. Even if you’re ready to take the pictures that result from a “BDSM” Google search with a grain of salt, your partner might have a full-fledged anxiety attack. That’s not the kind of heavy breathing you’re trying to encourage. There will be time to surf together later, when you’re both more comfortable with it.

3) Give him a safe word – He’s going to worry about hurting you or doing the wrong thing. Having a safe word that you can use to stop or slow down anything that feels scary will reassure him that you are maintaining some level of control over your own well-being.

4) No Judgment Zone – Mutually accept that invoking that safe word is a good thing for both of you, not an evaluation of his performance as a Dom. This is no different from when you first started having vanilla sex. You’re learning what works for you as partners.

Feeling comfortable with all of the above? Okay, it’s time for a dip in the shallow end of the pool.

5) No Tools Required – Start with Something Easy – The psychology of BDSM is what it’s all about. The illusion of being dominated sexually, of submitting utterly to your lover – that’s the turn on. You can have it without a single whip, metal cuff or legal representative present.

Here’s an example. Your lover tells you to lie on the bed. He commands you to hold onto the head rails and spread your legs as far as you can. You’re forbidden to move until he tells you that you can. After he puts a blindfold on you – perhaps something as simple as his T-shirt over your eyes, so you have the reassurance of his scent in the darkness – he proceeds to pleasure you as he would for your normal foreplay, though you’ll find being blindfolded likely sparks even more creativity. Your senses are going to be heightened, your responses even stronger, and the cardinal rule for many men (the good ones!) is “what turns her on, turns me on.” Taking away sight so that you focus all your other sense on what he’s doing with his fingers, mouth, a feather, a sprinkle of fragrant cinnamon powder…

6) Proceed with the Easy Tools – Okay, so that worked well. What? You didn’t notice the dot, dot, dot? Congratulations! You’ve just conducted your first BDSM session. Wait! Do not fly off to the online bondage store and buy out their special Limited Edition Spanish Inquisition Package (yes, I made that up – it worries me that you thought to go look for it). Instead, buy two pairs of Velcro cuffs. The kind that can snap together or have D-rings that allow you to spread arms and legs and fasten them to fixed objects without actually restricting the extremities. Maybe invest in a blindfold that fits comfortably on the face. If you like the looks of that riding crop or the cute paddle that has a “bad girl” cut out, fine. But pull back on the reins right there, and check the next bullet item. And please come out of the saddle-and-spur department. We’ll save that for the advanced BDSM article.

7) Spankings – The more hardcore stuff, like floggings, tend to scare the bejesus out of a significant other who has never associated sensual punishment with his love for you. It may even scare you a little bit, but those erotic romance spankings are kind of intriguing, aren’t they? Few of us think of a spanking as a frightening thing. In fact, it has a hugely arousing impact, giving the endorphins a titillating strum and connecting to that subconscious desire to surrender to your lover’s power. So have him turn you over his knee or bend you over a chair or bed, and see where it goes. [Note: There are many fun, accessible areas for him to play with when he’s resting his hand!] The pain-pleasure aspect of BDSM is the least understood part of its practices, but it’s no different than why a roller coaster is both scary and thrilling. You’re unable to control the ride, and yet you willingly stepped onto it, with certain expectations of your experience. If the engineers and operators have done their job (the Dom), you’re going to enjoy the ride a great deal.

8) Use the Lingo – As I mentioned, the power of BDSM is in the psychology. Often, being allowed to address your Dominant lover only by a title like Master or Sir while you are “in session” gets you even deeper into the experience. You might also want him to do the same, calling you “his slave” or “his pretty sub,” “his kitten,” etc. Don’t be limited by these suggestions – choice of honorifics is very personal to the Dom/sub relationship. Though keeping it down to a couple syllables might be advisable, because getting out “Supreme Commander of My Orgasmic Universe” during the throes of passion is quite challenging.

9) Reach Out – Finding people who practice healthy BDSM relationships can help further your own knowledge and enjoyment. Forums like Fetlife.com have “real people” practicing BDSM and D’s lifestyles. You may be able to find a local community BDSM group that meets for “munches,” or social events held at a restaurant or other public venue to discuss common interests and provide a nonthreatening environment for new members. BDSM “stuff” does not occur at these types of events. (Waitresses don’t consider it a proper use of hot coffee and pancake syrup, and they will NOT clean it up!) Play comes later if you decide to be part of the group and they think you’re a good mesh for them as well. However, as in any online or in-person interaction, always use your best judgment. Even the most mundane online sites can attract crazies.

10) Now What? Once you’re both comfortable with the basics of restraint and the arousing aspects of a little punishment, if you want to go further, this is when you must do your research. That bad girl paddle will be fun, but it has to be used correctly. The human body is tough in a lot of ways, but very simple things – like using ropes too tightly around wrists or a strike with a paddle against the wrong place – can result in injury, which means no fun for either of you. The mantras of BDSM are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). I recommend Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon as an excellent introduction to exploring BDSM. They have a casual, informative approach that makes it easy reading, as well as further resources in the bibliography. But keep reading those erotic romances for inspiration – I did mention I write those, right?

At the end of the day, BDSM practice is based on a power exchange, where one partner trusts another enough to relinquish control to them for mutual pleasure. It’s best when it’s conducted under a careful structure of safe words and rules that protect everyone involved. How deep you go with it, how elaborate, it all comes back to these basic tenets. Done right, it can deepen your emotional and physical connection with a lover…and be a heck of a lot of fun…

Joey W. Hill is the author of more than thirty erotic romance novels and the recipient of the RT Book Reviews Career Achievement award. She is a practicing submissive in her personal life and has been involved in the BDSM community for over twenty years. Her newest release, Hostile Takeover, is available at www.ellorascave.com.

Source: http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/2012/09/ten-tips-bringing-bdsm-your-bedroom

My Dom is Ignoring Me!

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Fan Question:

“I am at the end of my rope and don’t know where to turn now.. I have been with my partner for 3 years now but or relationship seems to be at a standstill if not dissolving. I am a lost slave so to speak.. My partner is a Master however he has never collared me which is causing its own issues for me mentally and emotionally. My problem is that I have tried to express my needs and desires to him in various ways all ending in failure. My latest efforts ended with him calling me an ingrate for disagreeing that it should all be my responsibility to get attention I am craving. I often feel he isn’t interested in me anymore making it hard to dress up for him or even get close to him I feel rejected. I have gone so long without my needs being met that I have become somewhat of a brat which he is blanking for his lack of interest. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost without having aspects of feeling owned and loved. Any advise could help at this point I really an at my wits end with how to even communicate my needs anymore….”

 

Answer:

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. My advice would be to let him know that you are feeling helpless about his lack attention and that it is something you feel you need in order to continue in this relationship. If he keeps ignoring your attempts without any sort of recognition or compromise, then maybe it’s time to ask for release and find someone who is more attentive and respectful. A proper Dom should be open to listening to his sub/slave. Not that they will always get their way, but communication is a big part of creating a healthy relationship! And it has to go both ways.

BDSM: A Guide for Nice Guys

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Fool boy is waiting his girlfriend

(This page is written to address BDSM for nice guys; there’s an
introduction to BDSM for good girls on the Web here.)

So you’re a nice guy. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or maybe even “rape” her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do? Continue reading

Parenting and the D/s lifestyle – Ways to Make it Work

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Many argue there is no way to have a 24/7 D/s relationship and be a parent. I say there are ways. In fact, many of you probably already do it. After searching for information, articles, and reading A LOT of blogs, what follows is my take on different ways to make it happen.

The ages of your children affect the choices and challenges you are presented with in any situation.You may be more free around younger children. For example, an infant or young toddler woken up by a scream or other such noise, isn’t going to come knocking on your door with questions, but can simply be rocked back to sleep, and your lesson is learned (if you’re lucky!). An older child would be much more complicated to deal with. Explanations would be needed, even if they are not wanted.

The advantage we have in the BDSM world, I believe, is our communication skills. Its been said over and over. This ability should flow over in our interaction with our children, as well. What you should talk to them about depends not only on your situation, but also on your own standards and morals. Obviously, if you choose a more open path, your children will see more and hear more. This may be fine for you. If you choose a more closed path, you may never have to deal with it at all concerning your children. As long as children are not exposed to extreme adult situations, there is no simple right or wrong path to take. Remember, safety first includes our children!safesaneconsensual

Depending on how you live the lifestyle, some of this may not apply to you, but I think you’ll find it useful nonetheless. For the purpose of this article, I chose to assume the reader has a 24/7 D/s relationship, or pretty close to it. I am not including the sexual aspect of the relationship here, as children of any age should not be included in those situations. You cannot hide everything from, nor adjust everything for, your child and some things may be overheard accidentally, but this is generally the exception, not the rule.

Many subs have “rituals” they do in service to their Doms, perhaps a greeting at the door when they return home. That is a common one. If you are supposed to be, lets say, naked and kneeling, obviously you cannot do that with children running around, no matter their age. Adjustments should be made accordingly. If you wear a collar, or other such symbol of your ownership/relationship, it may be a non-issue until your children are older and can ask questions. It’s not hard to answer something like that, really. A simple “Mommy/Daddy wears this as a symbol of our relationship/partnership/marriage (fill in the blank) as a reminder of the things we do for each other” can work to satisfy even an older childs curiosity. Or you can change the symbol to something less obvious, like a simple locket no one would question. Or even a certain undergarment to be worn. If you are to sit at Master’s feet on the floor when they have returned home, put some soft pillows down and have the children sit with you.

We all use safe words. (I hope we do!!!) They are simply a code, of sorts, to show a particular meaning, like stop, go, slow down, etc. You can make other code words or actions, for use in front of the children, to let each other know how you feel about a subject. When being a parent, you have to be strong and forthright, even while you may be a sub. It can be a challenge to be submissive to your Dom and possibly have to be dominant over your children, maybe even within the same given daily situation. Confusion easily happens, when, lets say, your child is misbehaving in some way, and in your frustration, you lash out at your Dom. A code word, or even a touch, can work quickly to put you back in your place, and may even help you (or both of you) see the situation more clearly, all without your child realizing it.

Rituals like these can become part of your normal, stable home environment, and the children won’t even need to realize if it makes you more comfortable that way. If you start while they are still young, things like this can become non-issues, which is probably where most of us feel the most comfortable, no one enjoys defending their lifestyle choices, even in front of toddlers, haha. It can make it even harder when the questioner is your child.

For these reasons I think it’s a good idea to have stability and a routine worked out in your relationship before children are brought into it. In this world of blended families we have, that simply does not always happen. This is where age appropriate discussions come in, as toys will undoubtedly be found, noises overheard, and even code words figured out. Children are smart!

I wish I could take credit for this next one, but I cannot. In all the blogs I read, this analogy just takes the cake, and the ice cream, as it were. (I will put a link below so you can read the blog if you want). I simply had to share this, and I will use my own words here.

We often refer to “normal” lifestyles as “vanilla”. After all, vanilla is the most common of the flavors. Lifestyles can be likened to ice cream. Vanilla being the most common, and almost everyone has tried it. Many are satisfied and never try another flavor. Some like the flavor, but want different toppings, nuts, sprinkles, etc. Some even stop eating vanilla ice cream altogether and go with the different flavors, or even make up their own flavor and unusual toppings.Ice_cream_flavors

I think this analogy just might be a great way to  break the ice when talking to your child and may help lead you into other ways to appropriately discuss things with your children. While we are talking about vanilla here, Id like to say, even though the vanilla world may not understand our flavors and toppings, we are no different from them in the fact that we love our children and want whats best for them. No matter the flavor we like, we put their needs above our own, and do the best we can to keep the scales balanced. I also believe the happier we are, the happier our children will be, and therefore we need to take care of our needs, too. Be honest, and open, while being age appropriate, and our children will respond in kind.

Read as much as you can. Blogs are a great way to glean information from someone elses similar experience. It is impossible to fit it all in here. I ask that you share as much as you can. With each sharing comes more information for others to learn. This is such an important topic to cover, and no one article or person is going to have all the answers for your situation. I ask all of you, from one parent to another, to share your experience and advice, and keep our lifestyle the one of many flavors.

~Rose Petal

The ice cream analogy –

http://servingmaster.com/2012/11/28/bdsm-and-parenting/

some general info –

http://voices.yahoo.com/bdsm-101-parenting-dominant-submissive-household-1859936.html

Should I Look for a Dom First?

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Fan Question:

“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”

Answer:     If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~

How to Make My Partner Dominant

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Fan Question:

“heres my problem i am a natural sub but my current bf kinda is too. ive asked him to be more domanat but hes so senstive and sweet hes tried some of the things ive told him i like but its like hes scared to domanate me like i so wish he would. how can i help bring him out of his shell and amke him feel more comforatable and want to be my master. sn this is the frist relationship hes ever been in with a sub he actually never knew about this life style before we got together any helpful ideas would be great”

 

Answer: If your current partner isn’t naturally Dominant, there’s no way to “covert” them. Someone has to have some dominant or submissive qualities in order to take on those roles.. so someone who is more submissive would feel extremely uncomfortably taking on a Dominant role. Sorry, but there’s no “Dominant To-Do List” that will create a Dom person.