How BDSM Saved My Marriage and Gave Me Peace of Mind

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This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever. Continue reading

Geek Kink Labs Paddles Review

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“Geek Kink is a Dom/Sub operation out of Sacramento, CA. Krissy and Allen love to challenge each other in the bedroom and in the Alchemy Lab where the Geek Kink creations are born. Krissy is a third generation geek. The D&D Monster manual was her bedtime stories and the sound of Captain Picard yelling at Q was her lullaby. Allen is a Wizards of the Coast certified GM and has been perfecting his zombie survival plan for over a decade. These two want to help people make their kink experience fit them. And so, in a galaxy far, far away Geek Kink was born. Geek Kink’s goal is to make toys no man has made before.”

About the smaller paddle in the review: “The small paddles are ones that we tend to take to play events (along with our other products of course).” They are not for sale on their website, but I’m sure if you contacted them they would be happy to make one for you!

Addressing my concerns with the HK paddle: “The handle on the Hello Kitty is just it’s design. Though, we do not use a laser cutter.  This is a small operation right now it is all done manually.  We have someone that cuts all the wood, sands it and so on.  The painting is 100% us. Some items, like the Darth Vader and Horde paddle are stenciled but again that is all done by hand.That is part of why a lot of the items are made to order. Some people have special requests, such as items specifically set measured to fit their hand size. As you had mentioned the size was wrong for his hand.  But the Hello kitty, and most of our paddles come as a 7 layer pressed laminant.

We love custom orders and are always willing to work to make them fit specific sizes.”
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http://www.geekkinklabs.com or http://www.shop.geekkinklabs.com
Hello Kitty Paddle: http://shop.geekkinklabs.com/Hello-Kitty-inspired-BDSM-Paddle-Mature-12.htm
Geek Kink Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GeekKink

A few of ASI’s other favorite Geek Kink items:

ASI’s Facebook: http://www.facebok.com/ASI.BDSM

Check out our youtube channel for more kinky product reviews!

Ten Tips for Bringing BDSM Into Your Bedroom

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“I loved your book so much I tried to tie up my boyfriend while he was asleep. He woke up before I could, but it all worked out anyway…”

Ah, the delicious meaning in that dot, dot, dot. This fan mail is one of my favorites, a definite keeper, but it is probably not the best approach for introducing BDSM in your bedroom. The road to restraining orders starts here.

The truth is, I’ve always had readers interested in this topic but the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena has planted seeds in the minds of millions of Americans. So how do you introduce BDSM into your bedroom in a way that can lead to fun, intimacy and a little dot, dot, dot?

As an erotic romance writer and full-time “sub,” I have some experience in this realm. Below I’ve listed 10 tips to get you started. Given the current female interest in the submissive role, I’m going to proceed under that pronoun assumption, but the following applies if he’s the one tied up, so to speak (but keep him conscious, please!).

1) Talk about it – You’re thinking about it, but it may not have crossed your partner’s mind, so take the time to talk it out. Consider reading him your favorite scene from an erotic romance that sparked your interest in exploring more. Tell him what intrigues you about it. See how he reacts, but don’t judge or push. Don’t take things too seriously. If you’re doing this to spice up your relationship, this probably won’t be a problem, but if you’re exploring innate feelings about being a Dominant or submissive, you can get a little overwhelmed by all the things you want to try. In these first stages, take it slow, relax and have fun with it. That will help your partner do the same.

2) Stay away from the Internet – Trust me on this one. Even if you’re ready to take the pictures that result from a “BDSM” Google search with a grain of salt, your partner might have a full-fledged anxiety attack. That’s not the kind of heavy breathing you’re trying to encourage. There will be time to surf together later, when you’re both more comfortable with it.

3) Give him a safe word – He’s going to worry about hurting you or doing the wrong thing. Having a safe word that you can use to stop or slow down anything that feels scary will reassure him that you are maintaining some level of control over your own well-being.

4) No Judgment Zone – Mutually accept that invoking that safe word is a good thing for both of you, not an evaluation of his performance as a Dom. This is no different from when you first started having vanilla sex. You’re learning what works for you as partners.

Feeling comfortable with all of the above? Okay, it’s time for a dip in the shallow end of the pool.

5) No Tools Required – Start with Something Easy – The psychology of BDSM is what it’s all about. The illusion of being dominated sexually, of submitting utterly to your lover – that’s the turn on. You can have it without a single whip, metal cuff or legal representative present.

Here’s an example. Your lover tells you to lie on the bed. He commands you to hold onto the head rails and spread your legs as far as you can. You’re forbidden to move until he tells you that you can. After he puts a blindfold on you – perhaps something as simple as his T-shirt over your eyes, so you have the reassurance of his scent in the darkness – he proceeds to pleasure you as he would for your normal foreplay, though you’ll find being blindfolded likely sparks even more creativity. Your senses are going to be heightened, your responses even stronger, and the cardinal rule for many men (the good ones!) is “what turns her on, turns me on.” Taking away sight so that you focus all your other sense on what he’s doing with his fingers, mouth, a feather, a sprinkle of fragrant cinnamon powder…

6) Proceed with the Easy Tools – Okay, so that worked well. What? You didn’t notice the dot, dot, dot? Congratulations! You’ve just conducted your first BDSM session. Wait! Do not fly off to the online bondage store and buy out their special Limited Edition Spanish Inquisition Package (yes, I made that up – it worries me that you thought to go look for it). Instead, buy two pairs of Velcro cuffs. The kind that can snap together or have D-rings that allow you to spread arms and legs and fasten them to fixed objects without actually restricting the extremities. Maybe invest in a blindfold that fits comfortably on the face. If you like the looks of that riding crop or the cute paddle that has a “bad girl” cut out, fine. But pull back on the reins right there, and check the next bullet item. And please come out of the saddle-and-spur department. We’ll save that for the advanced BDSM article.

7) Spankings – The more hardcore stuff, like floggings, tend to scare the bejesus out of a significant other who has never associated sensual punishment with his love for you. It may even scare you a little bit, but those erotic romance spankings are kind of intriguing, aren’t they? Few of us think of a spanking as a frightening thing. In fact, it has a hugely arousing impact, giving the endorphins a titillating strum and connecting to that subconscious desire to surrender to your lover’s power. So have him turn you over his knee or bend you over a chair or bed, and see where it goes. [Note: There are many fun, accessible areas for him to play with when he’s resting his hand!] The pain-pleasure aspect of BDSM is the least understood part of its practices, but it’s no different than why a roller coaster is both scary and thrilling. You’re unable to control the ride, and yet you willingly stepped onto it, with certain expectations of your experience. If the engineers and operators have done their job (the Dom), you’re going to enjoy the ride a great deal.

8) Use the Lingo – As I mentioned, the power of BDSM is in the psychology. Often, being allowed to address your Dominant lover only by a title like Master or Sir while you are “in session” gets you even deeper into the experience. You might also want him to do the same, calling you “his slave” or “his pretty sub,” “his kitten,” etc. Don’t be limited by these suggestions – choice of honorifics is very personal to the Dom/sub relationship. Though keeping it down to a couple syllables might be advisable, because getting out “Supreme Commander of My Orgasmic Universe” during the throes of passion is quite challenging.

9) Reach Out – Finding people who practice healthy BDSM relationships can help further your own knowledge and enjoyment. Forums like Fetlife.com have “real people” practicing BDSM and D’s lifestyles. You may be able to find a local community BDSM group that meets for “munches,” or social events held at a restaurant or other public venue to discuss common interests and provide a nonthreatening environment for new members. BDSM “stuff” does not occur at these types of events. (Waitresses don’t consider it a proper use of hot coffee and pancake syrup, and they will NOT clean it up!) Play comes later if you decide to be part of the group and they think you’re a good mesh for them as well. However, as in any online or in-person interaction, always use your best judgment. Even the most mundane online sites can attract crazies.

10) Now What? Once you’re both comfortable with the basics of restraint and the arousing aspects of a little punishment, if you want to go further, this is when you must do your research. That bad girl paddle will be fun, but it has to be used correctly. The human body is tough in a lot of ways, but very simple things – like using ropes too tightly around wrists or a strike with a paddle against the wrong place – can result in injury, which means no fun for either of you. The mantras of BDSM are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). I recommend Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon as an excellent introduction to exploring BDSM. They have a casual, informative approach that makes it easy reading, as well as further resources in the bibliography. But keep reading those erotic romances for inspiration – I did mention I write those, right?

At the end of the day, BDSM practice is based on a power exchange, where one partner trusts another enough to relinquish control to them for mutual pleasure. It’s best when it’s conducted under a careful structure of safe words and rules that protect everyone involved. How deep you go with it, how elaborate, it all comes back to these basic tenets. Done right, it can deepen your emotional and physical connection with a lover…and be a heck of a lot of fun…

Joey W. Hill is the author of more than thirty erotic romance novels and the recipient of the RT Book Reviews Career Achievement award. She is a practicing submissive in her personal life and has been involved in the BDSM community for over twenty years. Her newest release, Hostile Takeover, is available at www.ellorascave.com.

Source: http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/2012/09/ten-tips-bringing-bdsm-your-bedroom

Letting Go

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Fan Question:

“I need some advice. I have always been in control. I gave up that control to my Master/boyfriend and sometimes have a hard time letting it go. I can be a bit of a brat and I don’t want to disappoint him. What can I do to let go of the control?”

Answer:

Being a brat isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just depends on when you are a brat and the reasons behind the brattiness. For some Dominants it can be an endearing quality, but you have to remember that being demanding and argumentative are not likable characteristics for any submissive and honestly goes against what being a submissive is.

If you feel a bratty moment coming a long, tell your Dom! Just say I really feel ____ or I’d like to really ____ right now. Being honest is part of developing a healthy relationship and is absolutely necessary for making a BDSM relationship work. Communication can go a long way, so let him/her know you are struggling with this aspect. That way they can recognize when you are struggling and try to help you through it. It’s a Dominant’s job to guide you, so let them help!

You can also start a journal to keep track of your bratty moments. Think about what triggered the feeling, what helped you calm down or what pushed you over the edge, and ways you can handle future issues.

Good luck!

Break It Down-The Bones of a D/s Relationship

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BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.

Photo from saidaonline.com

Photo from saidaonline.com

Honest Communication

When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could effect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.

I also believe in voicing any concerns or issues within the relationship freely between each other. If you can, try to approach a problem after you have had time to think about it yourself. This will give you time to detach any emotions you were feeling at the time of the incident and look at it from a different perspective.

If need be, you can always ask an unbiased third party to examine the situation and give you advice.

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Photo from Flickr

Open Negotiations

If you decide to pursue a serious D/s relationship with someone the next step would be to discuss negotiations. You will go over different topics depending on whether this negotiation is for an individual scene or the relationship. You will discuss your limits, safe words, what activities will be involved in a scene, what rules you will follow, punishments for breaking a rule, what daily activities your top will have control over and what daily activities or “chores” the bottom will have to complete. Again, not all of these will apply directly to YOUR relationship, but the negotiations should always take place before you have a scene with someone new.

Without negotiations your relationship may always feel like it is on the edge. The Top could claim they didn’t know that knife play was a hard limit or the bottom could decide to pursue other tops without clarification that their current relationship was supposed to be monogamous. These simple misunderstandings could lead to jealousy and anger, but are easily avoided with thorough negotiations.

(If you want to be formal with your negotiations, discuss your details and create a written contract.)

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Photo from eHow

Respect

Both partners must respect each other. If you do not have respect for that person, then it is going to be difficult to trust them in a scene and then there is no where to move forward. Respect means being faithful to your agreed negotiations and being honest with your partner. Also, being respectful does not mean you have to agree with them 100% of the time. You are allowed to safe word or bring up an issue you feel is important, but how you go about doing that is the key. Be calm and do not break rules in the process of trying to prove a point.

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Photo from tumblr

Safety

There are two main thoughts on safety in BDSM. The first is SSC, which means “Safe, Sane, Consensual” and the second is RACK, which means “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. They differ on the degree of safety (SSC largely looks down upon edge play because it is dangerous, but RACK would allow edge play as long as the partners are aware of the risks and take the appropriate safety precautions).

One of ASI’s goals is to educate those who are interested on how to be as safe as possible. It may not pertain to a kink we’re really into, but we are not here to judge.

To be as safe as you can, make you sure you do plenty of research before attempting an activity. If you can, speak to someone who has tried it before and get tips and advice from those more experienced.

Be sure you are aware of any potential danger related to the activity. If there are medical issues, do more research on how to avoid an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room.

Remember, it is the Top’s responsibility to keep the bottom safe. A Top should never lead a bottom into unsafe situation. We trust the top to guide us, safely, and to teach us through new experiences.

These are a few of the things that are needed to create a solid D/s relationship and, really, almost any relationship. Remember, every relationship is different and may require different attributes.

by Jessica Cocker

Dirty Devil Lingerie Cuffs and Collar Review

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Jessica reviews a set of two-tone leather cuffs and a purple leather collar from Dirty Devil Lingerie!

For more from Dirty Devil Lingerie: https://www.facebook.com/DDLFetishApparel
Leather Rivet and Spike Collar $36
Two Tone Leather Cuffs $57.00

To preorder A Submissive’s Initiative Special Edition products, contact us at asubmissivesintiative@gmail.com or through our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/asi.bdsm

Warning Signs of a Bad Dom

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We take certain risks, enjoying our sexuality the way we do.  We want someone to dominate and control us, someone to take us to the limit inside and out, yet we need to feel safe knowing we are respected.

The qualities that create the partnership between Dom and Sub are as varied as there are participants; however, there are certain warning signs to look out for in order to avoid an experience you’d rather not have:

1.            Keeping you away from people or places you enjoy – This is really the warning sign for any potentially abusive relationship.

2.            Controlling behavior outside the scope of sexplay – again, a classic warning sign.  This and the previous item have nothing to do with our Dom’s orders regarding dress and so on.  These have to do with being frightened down deep in your core of doing the wrong thing.

3.            Public humiliation, or any humiliation not part of the “games” we play – We all have the things we like to do and say and how we like to be.  We are submissive.  Being made to feel embarrassed and ashamed is different and wrong.

4.            Beating or physical violence outside the scope of sexplay – This is self-explanatory.  We may like to be hurt, but this is not that.

5.            Lack of concern on the part of the Dom about going too far – As I said at the beginning, we need to feel safe.  We want our Dom to take us as far as we can go, but it is essential we not be forced to go too far.  If someone is not concerned for your limits that is not the person you should be with.

6.            Abuse of drugs or alcohol – This is not a discussion about the responsible use of either.  It is a plain fact that someone who is abusing drugs or alcohol is someone who is (a) not going to be paying attention and/or (b) unpredictable and not in a good way.

So, be who you are, love who you wish however it pleases you (and your Dom).  Remember, too, looking out for yourself is vital to your complete enjoyment.  A good Dom, one who wants to bring out your best and most beautiful self, is how you get there.

How to Make My Partner Dominant

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Fan Question:

“heres my problem i am a natural sub but my current bf kinda is too. ive asked him to be more domanat but hes so senstive and sweet hes tried some of the things ive told him i like but its like hes scared to domanate me like i so wish he would. how can i help bring him out of his shell and amke him feel more comforatable and want to be my master. sn this is the frist relationship hes ever been in with a sub he actually never knew about this life style before we got together any helpful ideas would be great”

 

Answer: If your current partner isn’t naturally Dominant, there’s no way to “covert” them. Someone has to have some dominant or submissive qualities in order to take on those roles.. so someone who is more submissive would feel extremely uncomfortably taking on a Dominant role. Sorry, but there’s no “Dominant To-Do List” that will create a Dom person.

New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior by Jade

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New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior

Finding the One is not an easy task and submissives are at some definite disadvantages compared to their “vanilla” counterparts. The nature of submissives can make them less likely to initiate an encounter with someone who has caught their eye and the D/s lifestyle makes it difficult for subs to aggressively seek the attentions of a Dominant that has pricked their interest. So how does a submissive get noticed? The answer is often this: By her or his behavior. That behavior can be good or bad, as is the notice it receives. Some things always apply and these are a few of the most important ones.

  1. Be respectful. Showing respect for others and yourself is a must in almost any situation. There is seldom an excuse for anyone, especially a submissive, to be rude, disrespectful or disruptive. In a real-life social situation it probably will not be tolerated and will most likely lead to you being viewed in a negative light by those who take the lifestyle seriously. Online, it exposes you for what you are: untrained or a wannabe. We’ve all seen the sub who brags about handcuffing a Dom to a chair, is constantly causing a disturbance during polite conversation or jumps in every lap in the room. Believe me, this is NOT the way for submissives to act, nor is it acceptable in any real-life situation I’ve ever seen. It is very hard to be respectful to someone who doesn’t deserve respect and we’ve all encountered situations where we’ve been pushed past our “limits” of tolerance. It takes some real ingenuity to find a tasteful way to tell someone to “take a hike.”

  2. Be polite. Good manners are appreciated everywhere, and in a formal D/s situation, they are imperative. The use of such things as “Thank you,” “Please” and “You are welcome” will not go unnoticed, just as the failure to use them won’t go unheeded. Using common courtesy may go a long way in gaining you some positive attention; at the very least, it won’t give you a negative reaction.

  3. Be well groomed and dress appropriately. Contrary to popular belief, submissives do not run around half-dressed or naked in all social situations. Maintaining a neat, clean appearance will gain more positive attention than a thong and chainmail bra. Being demure and feminine (if you’re a female) is often the best option. Remember, a potential Dom is looking for a submissive, not a call girl, so a little modesty should be your trademark in most social gatherings. Some things look much better when enhanced by the imagination and a little hint can be a nice appetizer before the feast.

  4. Be well behaved. Being well-behaved speaks louder than any words you could use. Your actions will be watched by any interested Dominant, and although you won’t be expected to be perfect, you will be expected to have behavior befitting of someone He/She would want to claim as theirs. Misbehaving seems to get a lot of attention but it’s not the kind you may want. Picture a spoiled or undisciplined child who disrupts a classroom. The teacher is very aware of this child, but I doubt he or she want to take that child home. Although some Dominants may enjoy the challenge of a “feisty” submissive, I doubt many want the “subbie brat from hell.” Dominants take pride in the behavior of their submissive, so start out on the right foot.

  5. Be yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be what you think someone else is looking for. It’s important to be yourself. If you are playful and spirited by nature, then by all means don’t be afraid to show this side of you. The same applies if you are the more serious, quiet type. Little will be gained by trying to be someone you are not. Sooner or later your true nature will be apparent and both you and your Dominant will be in for some major problems and disappointments.

 

Source: http://web.archive.org/web/20071010061319/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/advice.shtml