Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare by Mistress Abode

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Written by Mistress Abode

There are lots of reasons you are checking out this emergency post…

Perhaps you are a sub who played real time with a Dom/me who was lousy at aftercare. Or you are a dominant or a switch who played with a sub who didn’t realize tops need aftercare as well. Perhaps you have an online Master who doesn’t think aftercare is required after online play – you on the other hand know from prior play experience that you need aftercare, and also sometimes experience subdrop. Or perhaps your normally supportive and experienced Mistress is unable to fulfill their usual “special time” due to unforseen real life commitments.

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Tantra and BDSM…..Wait, What?

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Why might Tantric practices be considered a part of BDSM? Well, there are several reasons why I think it fits in very well. I could talk about this in great length and detail, but for the sake of this article, I will try to keep it simple and to the point, lightly touching on what I believe are some valid parallels. I will also assume that the reader has a basic understanding of a loose definition of Tantric practices, or at least has heard of it in some way. If you have not, I recommend reading about it on Wikipedia for a standardized and historical definition, so as to understand what I am covering here. I believe your intuition and experience will carry you through this article if you have even that minimal knowledge. Continue reading

Break It Down-The Bones of a D/s Relationship

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BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.

Photo from saidaonline.com

Photo from saidaonline.com

Honest Communication

When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could effect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.

I also believe in voicing any concerns or issues within the relationship freely between each other. If you can, try to approach a problem after you have had time to think about it yourself. This will give you time to detach any emotions you were feeling at the time of the incident and look at it from a different perspective.

If need be, you can always ask an unbiased third party to examine the situation and give you advice.

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Photo from Flickr

Open Negotiations

If you decide to pursue a serious D/s relationship with someone the next step would be to discuss negotiations. You will go over different topics depending on whether this negotiation is for an individual scene or the relationship. You will discuss your limits, safe words, what activities will be involved in a scene, what rules you will follow, punishments for breaking a rule, what daily activities your top will have control over and what daily activities or “chores” the bottom will have to complete. Again, not all of these will apply directly to YOUR relationship, but the negotiations should always take place before you have a scene with someone new.

Without negotiations your relationship may always feel like it is on the edge. The Top could claim they didn’t know that knife play was a hard limit or the bottom could decide to pursue other tops without clarification that their current relationship was supposed to be monogamous. These simple misunderstandings could lead to jealousy and anger, but are easily avoided with thorough negotiations.

(If you want to be formal with your negotiations, discuss your details and create a written contract.)

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Photo from eHow

Respect

Both partners must respect each other. If you do not have respect for that person, then it is going to be difficult to trust them in a scene and then there is no where to move forward. Respect means being faithful to your agreed negotiations and being honest with your partner. Also, being respectful does not mean you have to agree with them 100% of the time. You are allowed to safe word or bring up an issue you feel is important, but how you go about doing that is the key. Be calm and do not break rules in the process of trying to prove a point.

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Photo from tumblr

Safety

There are two main thoughts on safety in BDSM. The first is SSC, which means “Safe, Sane, Consensual” and the second is RACK, which means “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. They differ on the degree of safety (SSC largely looks down upon edge play because it is dangerous, but RACK would allow edge play as long as the partners are aware of the risks and take the appropriate safety precautions).

One of ASI’s goals is to educate those who are interested on how to be as safe as possible. It may not pertain to a kink we’re really into, but we are not here to judge.

To be as safe as you can, make you sure you do plenty of research before attempting an activity. If you can, speak to someone who has tried it before and get tips and advice from those more experienced.

Be sure you are aware of any potential danger related to the activity. If there are medical issues, do more research on how to avoid an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room.

Remember, it is the Top’s responsibility to keep the bottom safe. A Top should never lead a bottom into unsafe situation. We trust the top to guide us, safely, and to teach us through new experiences.

These are a few of the things that are needed to create a solid D/s relationship and, really, almost any relationship. Remember, every relationship is different and may require different attributes.

by Jessica Cocker

Dirty Devil Lingerie Cuffs and Collar Review

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Jessica reviews a set of two-tone leather cuffs and a purple leather collar from Dirty Devil Lingerie!

For more from Dirty Devil Lingerie: https://www.facebook.com/DDLFetishApparel
Leather Rivet and Spike Collar $36
Two Tone Leather Cuffs $57.00

To preorder A Submissive’s Initiative Special Edition products, contact us at asubmissivesintiative@gmail.com or through our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/asi.bdsm

Parenting and the D/s lifestyle – Ways to Make it Work

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Many argue there is no way to have a 24/7 D/s relationship and be a parent. I say there are ways. In fact, many of you probably already do it. After searching for information, articles, and reading A LOT of blogs, what follows is my take on different ways to make it happen.

The ages of your children affect the choices and challenges you are presented with in any situation.You may be more free around younger children. For example, an infant or young toddler woken up by a scream or other such noise, isn’t going to come knocking on your door with questions, but can simply be rocked back to sleep, and your lesson is learned (if you’re lucky!). An older child would be much more complicated to deal with. Explanations would be needed, even if they are not wanted.

The advantage we have in the BDSM world, I believe, is our communication skills. Its been said over and over. This ability should flow over in our interaction with our children, as well. What you should talk to them about depends not only on your situation, but also on your own standards and morals. Obviously, if you choose a more open path, your children will see more and hear more. This may be fine for you. If you choose a more closed path, you may never have to deal with it at all concerning your children. As long as children are not exposed to extreme adult situations, there is no simple right or wrong path to take. Remember, safety first includes our children!safesaneconsensual

Depending on how you live the lifestyle, some of this may not apply to you, but I think you’ll find it useful nonetheless. For the purpose of this article, I chose to assume the reader has a 24/7 D/s relationship, or pretty close to it. I am not including the sexual aspect of the relationship here, as children of any age should not be included in those situations. You cannot hide everything from, nor adjust everything for, your child and some things may be overheard accidentally, but this is generally the exception, not the rule.

Many subs have “rituals” they do in service to their Doms, perhaps a greeting at the door when they return home. That is a common one. If you are supposed to be, lets say, naked and kneeling, obviously you cannot do that with children running around, no matter their age. Adjustments should be made accordingly. If you wear a collar, or other such symbol of your ownership/relationship, it may be a non-issue until your children are older and can ask questions. It’s not hard to answer something like that, really. A simple “Mommy/Daddy wears this as a symbol of our relationship/partnership/marriage (fill in the blank) as a reminder of the things we do for each other” can work to satisfy even an older childs curiosity. Or you can change the symbol to something less obvious, like a simple locket no one would question. Or even a certain undergarment to be worn. If you are to sit at Master’s feet on the floor when they have returned home, put some soft pillows down and have the children sit with you.

We all use safe words. (I hope we do!!!) They are simply a code, of sorts, to show a particular meaning, like stop, go, slow down, etc. You can make other code words or actions, for use in front of the children, to let each other know how you feel about a subject. When being a parent, you have to be strong and forthright, even while you may be a sub. It can be a challenge to be submissive to your Dom and possibly have to be dominant over your children, maybe even within the same given daily situation. Confusion easily happens, when, lets say, your child is misbehaving in some way, and in your frustration, you lash out at your Dom. A code word, or even a touch, can work quickly to put you back in your place, and may even help you (or both of you) see the situation more clearly, all without your child realizing it.

Rituals like these can become part of your normal, stable home environment, and the children won’t even need to realize if it makes you more comfortable that way. If you start while they are still young, things like this can become non-issues, which is probably where most of us feel the most comfortable, no one enjoys defending their lifestyle choices, even in front of toddlers, haha. It can make it even harder when the questioner is your child.

For these reasons I think it’s a good idea to have stability and a routine worked out in your relationship before children are brought into it. In this world of blended families we have, that simply does not always happen. This is where age appropriate discussions come in, as toys will undoubtedly be found, noises overheard, and even code words figured out. Children are smart!

I wish I could take credit for this next one, but I cannot. In all the blogs I read, this analogy just takes the cake, and the ice cream, as it were. (I will put a link below so you can read the blog if you want). I simply had to share this, and I will use my own words here.

We often refer to “normal” lifestyles as “vanilla”. After all, vanilla is the most common of the flavors. Lifestyles can be likened to ice cream. Vanilla being the most common, and almost everyone has tried it. Many are satisfied and never try another flavor. Some like the flavor, but want different toppings, nuts, sprinkles, etc. Some even stop eating vanilla ice cream altogether and go with the different flavors, or even make up their own flavor and unusual toppings.Ice_cream_flavors

I think this analogy just might be a great way to  break the ice when talking to your child and may help lead you into other ways to appropriately discuss things with your children. While we are talking about vanilla here, Id like to say, even though the vanilla world may not understand our flavors and toppings, we are no different from them in the fact that we love our children and want whats best for them. No matter the flavor we like, we put their needs above our own, and do the best we can to keep the scales balanced. I also believe the happier we are, the happier our children will be, and therefore we need to take care of our needs, too. Be honest, and open, while being age appropriate, and our children will respond in kind.

Read as much as you can. Blogs are a great way to glean information from someone elses similar experience. It is impossible to fit it all in here. I ask that you share as much as you can. With each sharing comes more information for others to learn. This is such an important topic to cover, and no one article or person is going to have all the answers for your situation. I ask all of you, from one parent to another, to share your experience and advice, and keep our lifestyle the one of many flavors.

~Rose Petal

The ice cream analogy –

http://servingmaster.com/2012/11/28/bdsm-and-parenting/

some general info –

http://voices.yahoo.com/bdsm-101-parenting-dominant-submissive-household-1859936.html

Warning Signs of a Bad Dom

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We take certain risks, enjoying our sexuality the way we do.  We want someone to dominate and control us, someone to take us to the limit inside and out, yet we need to feel safe knowing we are respected.

The qualities that create the partnership between Dom and Sub are as varied as there are participants; however, there are certain warning signs to look out for in order to avoid an experience you’d rather not have:

1.            Keeping you away from people or places you enjoy – This is really the warning sign for any potentially abusive relationship.

2.            Controlling behavior outside the scope of sexplay – again, a classic warning sign.  This and the previous item have nothing to do with our Dom’s orders regarding dress and so on.  These have to do with being frightened down deep in your core of doing the wrong thing.

3.            Public humiliation, or any humiliation not part of the “games” we play – We all have the things we like to do and say and how we like to be.  We are submissive.  Being made to feel embarrassed and ashamed is different and wrong.

4.            Beating or physical violence outside the scope of sexplay – This is self-explanatory.  We may like to be hurt, but this is not that.

5.            Lack of concern on the part of the Dom about going too far – As I said at the beginning, we need to feel safe.  We want our Dom to take us as far as we can go, but it is essential we not be forced to go too far.  If someone is not concerned for your limits that is not the person you should be with.

6.            Abuse of drugs or alcohol – This is not a discussion about the responsible use of either.  It is a plain fact that someone who is abusing drugs or alcohol is someone who is (a) not going to be paying attention and/or (b) unpredictable and not in a good way.

So, be who you are, love who you wish however it pleases you (and your Dom).  Remember, too, looking out for yourself is vital to your complete enjoyment.  A good Dom, one who wants to bring out your best and most beautiful self, is how you get there.

Should I Look for a Dom First?

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Fan Question:

“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”

Answer:     If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~