Every day at A Submissive’s Initiative™ we get countless messages and emails about how to get involved in BDSM and the community so I’ve decided to put together a handy list of our top 10 FAQ for easy reference.
How do I get my partner to do what I want? The quick answer? You don’t. You can’t just make someone like the same fetishes or even be comfortable with the slightest reference to bondage. You can, however, use open communication to help them understand why you think that BDSM is important and/or can help better your relationship.
“I get collared next week, right before my birthday. I am so excited and I just want to tell everyone ! But it’s a pretty risque subject. A few of my friends know about my BDSM relationship, and my Master has required me to wear my collar and leash around some friends as a punishment. I know I’m going to show it off once I get it, but I’m afraid that some people won’t understand how our relationship works. Any advice ?”
You don’t HAVE to explain it to anyone unless you want to. If they ask why you’re wearing it, then just tell them it’s special to you or that it represents something important. No need to go into details unless you want to or unless they mention something specific about collaring and BDSM.. then feel free to talk about it as much as you want to! If you want to show it off when you are wearing it, then be prepared to meet some negative remarks. If someone says they don’t understand why you’d want to wear a collar, you can compare it to wearing a wedding ring if you want, or a promise ring or any other important jewelry a significant other would gift you. It’s special because it represents your relationship.
“i’ve been a sub for a little over a year. my last Dom didn’t listen to the safety word or even when i said stop and didn’t give any aftercare. being a sub has opened a passionate side of me i thought would never appear but i’m afraid to get another bad Dom. if you have any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.”
First off I want to say that I’m sorry you had to go through that. It is unfortunate that some people think that being a Dom means they abuse their submissives. I know it will probably take a lot of trust on your part to be able to take the “gamble” and enter into another D/s relationship, so take your time to heal and learn what you want to get out of your next relationships first. We have several articles on our website that deal with abuse and BDSM, so please feel free to go through these results and I hope they will help you out. Also, we have a sister page, The Safe Submissive, that posts more about safety issues and abuse within the community and several groups on different social sites if you need any support.
“I need some advice. I have always been in control. I gave up that control to my Master/boyfriend and sometimes have a hard time letting it go. I can be a bit of a brat and I don’t want to disappoint him. What can I do to let go of the control?”
Being a brat isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just depends on when you are a brat and the reasons behind the brattiness. For some Dominants it can be an endearing quality, but you have to remember that being demanding and argumentative are not likable characteristics for any submissive and honestly goes against what being a submissive is.
If you feel a bratty moment coming a long, tell your Dom! Just say I really feel ____ or I’d like to really ____ right now. Being honest is part of developing a healthy relationship and is absolutely necessary for making a BDSM relationship work. Communication can go a long way, so let him/her know you are struggling with this aspect. That way they can recognize when you are struggling and try to help you through it. It’s a Dominant’s job to guide you, so let them help!
You can also start a journal to keep track of your bratty moments. Think about what triggered the feeling, what helped you calm down or what pushed you over the edge, and ways you can handle future issues.
“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”
Answer: If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~