Fan Question: “I have been with my husband foe a long time and love him dearly. I have been on a dom/sub relationship before and feel the need to do this again. I have tried several things with hubby but it just doesn’t do anything for him.I feel the need every day to have this the desire for a dom consumes me. Should I look for an external relationship to satisfy this. I don’t want to leave hubby but our marriage doesn’t satisfy me anymore.”
It sounds like you really need to put it out there and communicate your needs with your husband. Talk to him about what it means to you and how you feel you can negotiate it. You can even try to go over our BDSM Checklist with him and see if anything strikes his interest. However, if it’s not interested, then he’s not interested and you’ll have to make a decision on what to do next. I would never suggest cheating, but perhaps an open relationship between the you and your husband would be a better fit.. or maybe even suggest a Poly relationship.
Over the past 18+ months ASI has helped hundreds, if not thousands, of people discover who they are within the bondage community. We get many different degrees of “kinky” people that contact us with questions regarding their specific kinks and that gives me the wonderful opportunity to expand my knowledge on lesser known fetishes and bondage practices. It’s a great experience to be able to look at something and say “Hey, it’s interesting that someone finds that attractive, but I don’t think it’s for me.”
The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. Gold however, will stand up to most acids. The ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either. There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Most of these tests are designed for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Doms out there.
When anyone think of submitting to another, the first thought to the vanilla mind is ‘doormat’. One who can not speak up for themselves. This obviously isn’t true, at least in most D/s relationships. There are those small few that lose touch of course, but overall, the communication and trust within these unions are paramount. So when the very idea of showing care to your Dom/me can seem daunting if not downright impossible to a submissive.
The ABC’s of Kink and Abuse written by silverdreams
Personal responsibility and obligation is a difficult topic to write about. It differs for each of us. Trying to find a balance between each individual’s personal responsibility and the obligation we owe to each other within a community is like walking a tightrope- focus too much on personal responsibility and we risk “blaming the victim”; focus more on community obligation and we risk blaming the community for the actions of a few. We each have our comfort levels. We each have what we’re willing to believe. And we each know how much we want to pretend that all of the questions we ask will have answers.
Nevertheless, I believe that both personal responsibility and the community’s obligation towards others is the first line of defense in combating abusive behavior within the BDSM scene. Continue reading →
For everyone, what constitutes a 24/7 relationships differs, like everything else in BDSM. The definition of a 24/7 relationship is simply a relationship where the people involved live with one another on a daily basis. A BDSM 24/7 is easiest if explained as a vanilla live-in relationship, with the added knowledge of who is in charge and the priority of placing that person first and feeling content with the relationship arranged that way. In other words, a power exchange from one partner (at least) to another. Be that exchange a dominant/submissive one or that of a master/slave arrangement, or even just during sexual encounters. In my opinion, if a power exchange exists in the relationship (inside or out of the bedroom) it qualifies under the term BDSM.
Bondage, S&M and BDSM are all terms that get thrown around with ever-increasing regularity but what does any of it really mean? In recent years this ‘alternative’ lifestyle has been thrust into pop culture limelight without any real discussion of what it actually is. Suddenly, activities that were previously only conducted in secret corners have been wailed about in pop songs and misrepresented in works of fiction. As such, maybe the best place to begin getting a feel for BDSM (pun intended) is to figure out what it’s not.
New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake.
Accept it and move on.
The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.