(Version 1.4, written 8/14/03) Copyright 2003 by Jay Wiseman
Author of “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction”Hello and welcome to the munch! Perhaps this is your first munch. Perhaps this is your first BDSM event of any kind. Congratulations for contacting what many of us call the BDSM community (or, more simply, “the scene”). You are on the threshold of meeting many new people, having many new experiences, and both learning and growing a great deal. By the way, “BDSM” is a general, overall term for what we do. The term is pronounced just like its letters – B D S M – and represents a compression of the phrases “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.”
Every day at A Submissive’s Initiative™ we get countless messages and emails about how to get involved in BDSM and the community so I’ve decided to put together a handy list of our top 10 FAQ for easy reference.
How do I get my partner to do what I want? The quick answer? You don’t. You can’t just make someone like the same fetishes or even be comfortable with the slightest reference to bondage. You can, however, use open communication to help them understand why you think that BDSM is important and/or can help better your relationship.
If you don’t know by know, at ASI we put a lot of emphasis on safety, especially when it comes to finally taking that step and opening yourself up to someone. Unfortunately, I’ve seen so many of my friends in the community hurt by the partners they have chosen, no matter how many resources or words of advice we are able to give them.
In the end, even if you have the best of the best tools available, only you can really decide who is right for you in your D/s relationship and sometimes that may mean learning a lesson the hard way. Sometimes, that is the only way we can learn, but that does not mean it has to be the end of your submissiveness (or Dominance). But you do have to learn to trust again and, depending on the severity of the betrayal, you may have to learn who you are as a submissive (or Dominant) again.
The ABC’s of Kink and Abuse written by silverdreams
Personal responsibility and obligation is a difficult topic to write about. It differs for each of us. Trying to find a balance between each individual’s personal responsibility and the obligation we owe to each other within a community is like walking a tightrope- focus too much on personal responsibility and we risk “blaming the victim”; focus more on community obligation and we risk blaming the community for the actions of a few. We each have our comfort levels. We each have what we’re willing to believe. And we each know how much we want to pretend that all of the questions we ask will have answers.
Nevertheless, I believe that both personal responsibility and the community’s obligation towards others is the first line of defense in combating abusive behavior within the BDSM scene. Continue reading →
You will often hear it said that the first and most important rule in B&D-S/M is that all things we do with each other must be safe, sane, and consensual. What does this mean? Ask any set of experienced players and you’ll get a different set of answers. Here’s mine.