The ABC’s of Kink and Abuse written by silverdreams
Personal responsibility and obligation is a difficult topic to write about. It differs for each of us. Trying to find a balance between each individual’s personal responsibility and the obligation we owe to each other within a community is like walking a tightrope- focus too much on personal responsibility and we risk “blaming the victim”; focus more on community obligation and we risk blaming the community for the actions of a few. We each have our comfort levels. We each have what we’re willing to believe. And we each know how much we want to pretend that all of the questions we ask will have answers.
Nevertheless, I believe that both personal responsibility and the community’s obligation towards others is the first line of defense in combating abusive behavior within the BDSM scene. Continue reading →
For everyone, what constitutes a 24/7 relationships differs, like everything else in BDSM. The definition of a 24/7 relationship is simply a relationship where the people involved live with one another on a daily basis. A BDSM 24/7 is easiest if explained as a vanilla live-in relationship, with the added knowledge of who is in charge and the priority of placing that person first and feeling content with the relationship arranged that way. In other words, a power exchange from one partner (at least) to another. Be that exchange a dominant/submissive one or that of a master/slave arrangement, or even just during sexual encounters. In my opinion, if a power exchange exists in the relationship (inside or out of the bedroom) it qualifies under the term BDSM.
Most people have played with some kind of vibrator. Do you remember the first time you applied one (or had one applied) to your genitals? Felt pretty good didn’t it? At the least, it was something new and different. Electrostimulation is a lot like that only even more unique. It’s a wonderful way to add some new fun to your sex life. The proper electric current causes both the stimulation of nerve endings and involuntary muscle stimulation. Both of these effects can be combined for a very erotic experience. Some people also use electrostimulation for S&M play. It’s an excellent way to explore the pleasure/pain boundary without the usual risks of damage or lasting pain to the body. It can be precisely controlled and when it’s over, the one submitting to the stimulation is none the worse for the experience (something that cannot be said for most kinds of S&M play).
This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever. Continue reading →
Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think “Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” This checklist is a general one, as well all know in the BDSM lifestyle, some of these signs are not that of an abuser but of a good dominant, but like all things it doesn’t hurt to have a good idea about what might fall under the category of a potential abusive relationship/person.
Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person? (no dominant should make you scard to act like your normal self, if you are then that is not right)
Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you? (The key to a lasting BDSM relationship is open communication, if your dominant is not listening to you, and will not talk with you about any of your fears or the like, then this might be called a red flag by many)
Do you catch this person in lies?
Are you this person’s only friend? (this does not always denote a abuser, some of us do not have a large friend list that we tend to associate with, this does not necessary mean the person will turn out to be an abuser)
Does this person talk badly about other women?
Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
Is this person mean to animals?
Is this person subject to road rage?
Does this person anger easily?
Does this person hold grudges?
Does this person express their anger physically?
Is this person upset that you have other friends?
Is this person jealous of your friends and relatives?
Does this person try to cut you off from your friends? (This for many that I know if number 1 red flag)
Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
Is this person totally fixated on you? (some people say that there is a different between a loving partner and someone who is fixated on you, and its true, but some partners who are considered to be extreamly love and caring unfortunatly by some fall to various degrees into this catagory, thus its up to you to trust you own instints in this matter)
Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
Is this person co-dependent? (again this is a debated topic among many people apparently, some believe that you can’t have a M/s relationship without developing a co-dependence, others will argue otherwise.)
Does this person have a poor self-image?
Does this person have poor impulse control?
Is this person preoccupied with sex?
Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future. Has this person tried to brush aside your concerns as just jitters and tell you to just “trust them”?
Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
Does this person take your money?
Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see or go to the movie of their choice? (this for some might be a red flag, but in a M/s relationship its not necessarly so, depending on the level between the two partners.)
Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY objected? (as many might think, that might not be a red flag, but it can be if the dom doesn’t stop when a safe word is used)
Has this person threatened to hit you?
Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you? (This is not always the case as you might know, but then again doing this in anger is never good at any point in time, also if the intent of injury is more then temp or consentual then well of course its up to you to feel if its abuse or not)
Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times?
Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up on you to make sure? (this might not always be a red flag, if it is something that is already known within your relationship, and has been agreed upon)
Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail? Listen to your phone calls?
Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows? Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in what many people would call an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse is likely to be. However, this list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation will likely be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counselling. Nothing in this checklist should be considered a substitute for counselling.
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now! You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org
Question: my girlfriend has recently sort of ‘came out’ to me about really liking being dominated, she’s held this back from me for a year and a half or more because she was scared it would scare me away.
I’m a bit hurt that she thought so little of me since we’ve been together for 3 and a half years, but im holding that back because im really more interested in pleasing her.
but whenever i try to start a conversation about boundaries, likes, and dislikes she tuns into an “i dont know i guess” factory. i really want her to be happy because I’ve seen her going online to try to get people to talk dirty to her and it worries me that i can’t provide for her sexually. how can i get this ball rolling?
Answer: It sounds like she’s afraid to admit her desires to you and I can definitely relate to that.. it’s scary to admit those things to someone you are so emotionally attached to. We have a great BDSM checklist that we encourage all new couples to go over TOGETHER so they can get to know each other’s limits, desires and interests without having to really ‘bring up’ any specific fetish or kink. Just suggest going through the list with her and maybe start off by finding something on it YOU’RE interested in to make her feel more comfortable. Of course, there will be things you guys don’t feel the same about, but you can always reach a compromise about them and try things out together.
Fan Questions: “I recently meet sumone and he said there’s no limits. This will actually be my first time being his submissive should there be any limits.?”
Answer: YES! There should ALWAYS be limits! Everyone has a breaking point and you should always negotiate what your hard and soft limits are. Discuss everything with a potential partner before you play with them. Here is a great negotiation form to start with: http://www.bdsm-education.com/negotiation.html
I also want to add that if ANY dom(me) tries to tell you that there are no limits, that you aren’t allowed to have a safeword or that you can’t have a safe call or buddy at a first meeting.. they are deliberately taking advantage of you and they do not deserve the title “Dom(me)”.
Fan Question: “I’m new to this and my girlfriend keeps saying I should punish her when she does something really bad. But i dont know what or how stiff should I be with the punishment. What is a good punishment for something real bad? Any help would be appreciated”Answer: Hi, limits, rewards and punishments should be discussed and agreed upon with your partner. Talk to her about rules should be enforced and what punishments should be in place when she breaks those rules. For instance, if I forget to do an important chore.. I will get spankings. If I back talk or get bratty, I get the silent treatment and/or denial.