BDSM: A Guide for Nice Guys

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Fool boy is waiting his girlfriend

(This page is written to address BDSM for nice guys; there’s an
introduction to BDSM for good girls on the Web here.)

So you’re a nice guy. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or maybe even “rape” her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do? Continue reading

BDSM Basics: Break It Down-The Bones of a D/s Relationship

BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.

Photo from saidaonline.com

Photo from saidaonline.com

Honest Communication

When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could effect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.

Continue reading

Break It Down-The Bones of a D/s Relationship

Our website has moved! Please check out this article on our new, independent website!

 

BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.

Photo from saidaonline.com

Photo from saidaonline.com

Honest Communication

When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could effect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.

I also believe in voicing any concerns or issues within the relationship freely between each other. If you can, try to approach a problem after you have had time to think about it yourself. This will give you time to detach any emotions you were feeling at the time of the incident and look at it from a different perspective.

If need be, you can always ask an unbiased third party to examine the situation and give you advice.

Image

Photo from Flickr

Open Negotiations

If you decide to pursue a serious D/s relationship with someone the next step would be to discuss negotiations. You will go over different topics depending on whether this negotiation is for an individual scene or the relationship. You will discuss your limits, safe words, what activities will be involved in a scene, what rules you will follow, punishments for breaking a rule, what daily activities your top will have control over and what daily activities or “chores” the bottom will have to complete. Again, not all of these will apply directly to YOUR relationship, but the negotiations should always take place before you have a scene with someone new.

Without negotiations your relationship may always feel like it is on the edge. The Top could claim they didn’t know that knife play was a hard limit or the bottom could decide to pursue other tops without clarification that their current relationship was supposed to be monogamous. These simple misunderstandings could lead to jealousy and anger, but are easily avoided with thorough negotiations.

(If you want to be formal with your negotiations, discuss your details and create a written contract.)

Image

Photo from eHow

Respect

Both partners must respect each other. If you do not have respect for that person, then it is going to be difficult to trust them in a scene and then there is no where to move forward. Respect means being faithful to your agreed negotiations and being honest with your partner. Also, being respectful does not mean you have to agree with them 100% of the time. You are allowed to safe word or bring up an issue you feel is important, but how you go about doing that is the key. Be calm and do not break rules in the process of trying to prove a point.

Image

Photo from tumblr

Safety

There are two main thoughts on safety in BDSM. The first is SSC, which means “Safe, Sane, Consensual” and the second is RACK, which means “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. They differ on the degree of safety (SSC largely looks down upon edge play because it is dangerous, but RACK would allow edge play as long as the partners are aware of the risks and take the appropriate safety precautions).

One of ASI’s goals is to educate those who are interested on how to be as safe as possible. It may not pertain to a kink we’re really into, but we are not here to judge.

To be as safe as you can, make you sure you do plenty of research before attempting an activity. If you can, speak to someone who has tried it before and get tips and advice from those more experienced.

Be sure you are aware of any potential danger related to the activity. If there are medical issues, do more research on how to avoid an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room.

Remember, it is the Top’s responsibility to keep the bottom safe. A Top should never lead a bottom into unsafe situation. We trust the top to guide us, safely, and to teach us through new experiences.

These are a few of the things that are needed to create a solid D/s relationship and, really, almost any relationship. Remember, every relationship is different and may require different attributes.

by Jessica Cocker

Should I Look for a Dom First?

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Fan Question:

“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”

Answer:     If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~

How to Make My Partner Dominant

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Fan Question:

“heres my problem i am a natural sub but my current bf kinda is too. ive asked him to be more domanat but hes so senstive and sweet hes tried some of the things ive told him i like but its like hes scared to domanate me like i so wish he would. how can i help bring him out of his shell and amke him feel more comforatable and want to be my master. sn this is the frist relationship hes ever been in with a sub he actually never knew about this life style before we got together any helpful ideas would be great”

 

Answer: If your current partner isn’t naturally Dominant, there’s no way to “covert” them. Someone has to have some dominant or submissive qualities in order to take on those roles.. so someone who is more submissive would feel extremely uncomfortably taking on a Dominant role. Sorry, but there’s no “Dominant To-Do List” that will create a Dom person.

Vanilla Men

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Fan Question:

“Hiya! Can I ask some advice? Maybe also to the page page fans but I hope I can be anonymous…

A few months ago I have broken out of a 24/7 D/s, in a bdsm setting I’m submissive. It was my first D/s experience and the relationship lasted 18 months. At the moment I am single, not really looking for a new Dom/Daddy or maybe vanilla-ish partner but it looks like men smell I am single again, they come right at me. I am open about my orientation. What I see what happens is that men are interested in me, they say they are not into bdsm but I notice they think I’m kind of a sex freak (which maybe I will be to them) and they can do everything with me. Do more submissive single notice this? Maybe it has something to do with the 50 Shades hype? However, I don’t like it. There even was a man complaining I behaved not submissive to him and by the tone of his words I could hear he was disappointed although he did not tried to dominate me. He does not have a clou what bdsm is about, I don’t have to tell you that. Are there more single submissives have this kind of experience, vanilla men that are disappointed that you don’t submit to them? And do you also have the feeling vanilla men come after you because you are bdsm orientated?

How do you handle that? I don’t want to look for a D in the scene at the moment and some vanilla’s are quite nice and even into rough sex, which can open grounds for maybe some bdsm components and a bdsm exploration. I’m not searching but I’m open for nice people.”

Answer: Unfortunately, it is pretty common. Those who aren’t experienced or knowledgeable about BDSM tend to generalize submissive females as “freaks”.. or maybe they just confuse the term with nymphomaniacs? It comes with the territory and is something we can either help correct through education (which is our goal here) or learn to deal with. If you are upfront about your needs, then you should get the results you desire. If you want a dominant partner who is willing to develop a D/s relationship, then you’ll find that.. but if you continually look for a dominant figure in a vanilla world.. you’re most likely going to find more and more people expecting you to act promiscuous because you identify as a submissive. You can always check out BDSM communities and talk with people online who have BDSM in common with you.. develop friendships that way

Existing Relationship or Start New?

Fan Question: “I have a question… I am very interested in becoming a Sub or atleast trying it out. How do you find someone you can trust to be your Dom, is it possible for two people in a relationship build this type of relationship or is it something that is completely separate for a new type relationship? Also if is, how is it something you get started? Not sure if you know or have any advise but thought I give it a try.”

Answer: You can try to incorporate BDSM into your existing relationship or start a new one, depending on the agreement you have with your current partner. There are some that can work BDSM into a relationship they already have and others where that kind of dynamic won’t work.. so they have a separate relationship (with all partners aware). For some tips on how to start, you can check out our website’s beginner’s articles and maybe post in our forum too!

Punishments?

Fan Question: “I’m new to this and my girlfriend keeps saying I should punish her when she does something really bad. But i dont know what or how stiff should I be with the punishment. What is a good punishment for something real bad? Any help would be appreciated”Answer: Hi, limits, rewards and punishments should be discussed and agreed upon with your partner. Talk to her about rules should be enforced and what punishments should be in place when she breaks those rules. For instance, if I forget to do an important chore.. I will get spankings. If I back talk or get bratty, I get the silent treatment and/or denial.