The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination

This is a PREVIEW article written by Akasha. To read the other chapters, visit her website. COPYRIGHT 2003, 2005 Akasha@Akashaweb.com

“I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy.” Continue reading

Honesty: A Dominant’s Side, a Submissive’s Point of View

tumblr_mr6ajoTFOa1swo0q8o1_500To be a Dominant, a true Dominant, is a hard job. Aside from the usual load of daily ‘Domhood’, a Dominant has to read His submissive. This is a very hard thing to do because how is one Man, whom from our submissive eyes is supposed to be this all knowing and in control person up on His pedestal, unable to just read us like a book? He has before, with a touch, a command. He’s shown that He knows you in how He treats you. So we assume its easy for Him to do so, to see through us because from the moment we became His, we think or believe somewhere deep within our minds that somehow He gained these magical ‘Dominant Powers’ that make Him everything He is when He is with us. He doesn’t and there isn’t. He is just a Man. A strong Man who can melt us with one glance and somehow bring out the best, or at least the desire to be our best, just for Him. Continue reading

Ten Tips for Bringing BDSM Into Your Bedroom

Our website has moved! Please check out this article on our new, independent website!

“I loved your book so much I tried to tie up my boyfriend while he was asleep. He woke up before I could, but it all worked out anyway…”

Ah, the delicious meaning in that dot, dot, dot. This fan mail is one of my favorites, a definite keeper, but it is probably not the best approach for introducing BDSM in your bedroom. The road to restraining orders starts here.

The truth is, I’ve always had readers interested in this topic but the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena has planted seeds in the minds of millions of Americans. So how do you introduce BDSM into your bedroom in a way that can lead to fun, intimacy and a little dot, dot, dot?

As an erotic romance writer and full-time “sub,” I have some experience in this realm. Below I’ve listed 10 tips to get you started. Given the current female interest in the submissive role, I’m going to proceed under that pronoun assumption, but the following applies if he’s the one tied up, so to speak (but keep him conscious, please!).

1) Talk about it – You’re thinking about it, but it may not have crossed your partner’s mind, so take the time to talk it out. Consider reading him your favorite scene from an erotic romance that sparked your interest in exploring more. Tell him what intrigues you about it. See how he reacts, but don’t judge or push. Don’t take things too seriously. If you’re doing this to spice up your relationship, this probably won’t be a problem, but if you’re exploring innate feelings about being a Dominant or submissive, you can get a little overwhelmed by all the things you want to try. In these first stages, take it slow, relax and have fun with it. That will help your partner do the same.

2) Stay away from the Internet – Trust me on this one. Even if you’re ready to take the pictures that result from a “BDSM” Google search with a grain of salt, your partner might have a full-fledged anxiety attack. That’s not the kind of heavy breathing you’re trying to encourage. There will be time to surf together later, when you’re both more comfortable with it.

3) Give him a safe word – He’s going to worry about hurting you or doing the wrong thing. Having a safe word that you can use to stop or slow down anything that feels scary will reassure him that you are maintaining some level of control over your own well-being.

4) No Judgment Zone – Mutually accept that invoking that safe word is a good thing for both of you, not an evaluation of his performance as a Dom. This is no different from when you first started having vanilla sex. You’re learning what works for you as partners.

Feeling comfortable with all of the above? Okay, it’s time for a dip in the shallow end of the pool.

5) No Tools Required – Start with Something Easy – The psychology of BDSM is what it’s all about. The illusion of being dominated sexually, of submitting utterly to your lover – that’s the turn on. You can have it without a single whip, metal cuff or legal representative present.

Here’s an example. Your lover tells you to lie on the bed. He commands you to hold onto the head rails and spread your legs as far as you can. You’re forbidden to move until he tells you that you can. After he puts a blindfold on you – perhaps something as simple as his T-shirt over your eyes, so you have the reassurance of his scent in the darkness – he proceeds to pleasure you as he would for your normal foreplay, though you’ll find being blindfolded likely sparks even more creativity. Your senses are going to be heightened, your responses even stronger, and the cardinal rule for many men (the good ones!) is “what turns her on, turns me on.” Taking away sight so that you focus all your other sense on what he’s doing with his fingers, mouth, a feather, a sprinkle of fragrant cinnamon powder…

6) Proceed with the Easy Tools – Okay, so that worked well. What? You didn’t notice the dot, dot, dot? Congratulations! You’ve just conducted your first BDSM session. Wait! Do not fly off to the online bondage store and buy out their special Limited Edition Spanish Inquisition Package (yes, I made that up – it worries me that you thought to go look for it). Instead, buy two pairs of Velcro cuffs. The kind that can snap together or have D-rings that allow you to spread arms and legs and fasten them to fixed objects without actually restricting the extremities. Maybe invest in a blindfold that fits comfortably on the face. If you like the looks of that riding crop or the cute paddle that has a “bad girl” cut out, fine. But pull back on the reins right there, and check the next bullet item. And please come out of the saddle-and-spur department. We’ll save that for the advanced BDSM article.

7) Spankings – The more hardcore stuff, like floggings, tend to scare the bejesus out of a significant other who has never associated sensual punishment with his love for you. It may even scare you a little bit, but those erotic romance spankings are kind of intriguing, aren’t they? Few of us think of a spanking as a frightening thing. In fact, it has a hugely arousing impact, giving the endorphins a titillating strum and connecting to that subconscious desire to surrender to your lover’s power. So have him turn you over his knee or bend you over a chair or bed, and see where it goes. [Note: There are many fun, accessible areas for him to play with when he’s resting his hand!] The pain-pleasure aspect of BDSM is the least understood part of its practices, but it’s no different than why a roller coaster is both scary and thrilling. You’re unable to control the ride, and yet you willingly stepped onto it, with certain expectations of your experience. If the engineers and operators have done their job (the Dom), you’re going to enjoy the ride a great deal.

8) Use the Lingo – As I mentioned, the power of BDSM is in the psychology. Often, being allowed to address your Dominant lover only by a title like Master or Sir while you are “in session” gets you even deeper into the experience. You might also want him to do the same, calling you “his slave” or “his pretty sub,” “his kitten,” etc. Don’t be limited by these suggestions – choice of honorifics is very personal to the Dom/sub relationship. Though keeping it down to a couple syllables might be advisable, because getting out “Supreme Commander of My Orgasmic Universe” during the throes of passion is quite challenging.

9) Reach Out – Finding people who practice healthy BDSM relationships can help further your own knowledge and enjoyment. Forums like Fetlife.com have “real people” practicing BDSM and D’s lifestyles. You may be able to find a local community BDSM group that meets for “munches,” or social events held at a restaurant or other public venue to discuss common interests and provide a nonthreatening environment for new members. BDSM “stuff” does not occur at these types of events. (Waitresses don’t consider it a proper use of hot coffee and pancake syrup, and they will NOT clean it up!) Play comes later if you decide to be part of the group and they think you’re a good mesh for them as well. However, as in any online or in-person interaction, always use your best judgment. Even the most mundane online sites can attract crazies.

10) Now What? Once you’re both comfortable with the basics of restraint and the arousing aspects of a little punishment, if you want to go further, this is when you must do your research. That bad girl paddle will be fun, but it has to be used correctly. The human body is tough in a lot of ways, but very simple things – like using ropes too tightly around wrists or a strike with a paddle against the wrong place – can result in injury, which means no fun for either of you. The mantras of BDSM are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). I recommend Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon as an excellent introduction to exploring BDSM. They have a casual, informative approach that makes it easy reading, as well as further resources in the bibliography. But keep reading those erotic romances for inspiration – I did mention I write those, right?

At the end of the day, BDSM practice is based on a power exchange, where one partner trusts another enough to relinquish control to them for mutual pleasure. It’s best when it’s conducted under a careful structure of safe words and rules that protect everyone involved. How deep you go with it, how elaborate, it all comes back to these basic tenets. Done right, it can deepen your emotional and physical connection with a lover…and be a heck of a lot of fun…

Joey W. Hill is the author of more than thirty erotic romance novels and the recipient of the RT Book Reviews Career Achievement award. She is a practicing submissive in her personal life and has been involved in the BDSM community for over twenty years. Her newest release, Hostile Takeover, is available at www.ellorascave.com.

Source: http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/2012/09/ten-tips-bringing-bdsm-your-bedroom

BDSM: A Guide for Nice Guys

Our website has moved! Please check out this article on our new, independent website!

 

Fool boy is waiting his girlfriend

(This page is written to address BDSM for nice guys; there’s an
introduction to BDSM for good girls on the Web here.)

So you’re a nice guy. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or maybe even “rape” her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do? Continue reading

Pet Play by MistressKay

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Pet play is the act of pretending to be an animal or taking on animal-like tendencies. It isn’t usually used for arousal purposes although some do use it that way. It usually is just used as a way to escape from regular life responsibilities. If you are a cute, snuggly kitty, you don’t have to pay the bills or clean the sink – you can just relax and focus on being a little mindless pet.

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Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare by Mistress Abode

tumblr_inline_mkea0pL9RY1qz4rgpOur website has moved! Please check out this article on our new, independent website!

 

Written by Mistress Abode

There are lots of reasons you are checking out this emergency post…

Perhaps you are a sub who played real time with a Dom/me who was lousy at aftercare. Or you are a dominant or a switch who played with a sub who didn’t realize tops need aftercare as well. Perhaps you have an online Master who doesn’t think aftercare is required after online play – you on the other hand know from prior play experience that you need aftercare, and also sometimes experience subdrop. Or perhaps your normally supportive and experienced Mistress is unable to fulfill their usual “special time” due to unforseen real life commitments.

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Safe, Sane, and Consensual

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by Tamar Kay
Copyright©1995

You will often hear it said that the first and most important rule in B&D-S/M is that all things we do with each other must be safe, sane, and consensual. What does this mean? Ask any set of experienced players and you’ll get a different set of answers. Here’s mine.

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New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior by Jade

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New Submissive’s Tips on Behavior

Finding the One is not an easy task and submissives are at some definite disadvantages compared to their “vanilla” counterparts. The nature of submissives can make them less likely to initiate an encounter with someone who has caught their eye and the D/s lifestyle makes it difficult for subs to aggressively seek the attentions of a Dominant that has pricked their interest. So how does a submissive get noticed? The answer is often this: By her or his behavior. That behavior can be good or bad, as is the notice it receives. Some things always apply and these are a few of the most important ones.

  1. Be respectful. Showing respect for others and yourself is a must in almost any situation. There is seldom an excuse for anyone, especially a submissive, to be rude, disrespectful or disruptive. In a real-life social situation it probably will not be tolerated and will most likely lead to you being viewed in a negative light by those who take the lifestyle seriously. Online, it exposes you for what you are: untrained or a wannabe. We’ve all seen the sub who brags about handcuffing a Dom to a chair, is constantly causing a disturbance during polite conversation or jumps in every lap in the room. Believe me, this is NOT the way for submissives to act, nor is it acceptable in any real-life situation I’ve ever seen. It is very hard to be respectful to someone who doesn’t deserve respect and we’ve all encountered situations where we’ve been pushed past our “limits” of tolerance. It takes some real ingenuity to find a tasteful way to tell someone to “take a hike.”

  2. Be polite. Good manners are appreciated everywhere, and in a formal D/s situation, they are imperative. The use of such things as “Thank you,” “Please” and “You are welcome” will not go unnoticed, just as the failure to use them won’t go unheeded. Using common courtesy may go a long way in gaining you some positive attention; at the very least, it won’t give you a negative reaction.

  3. Be well groomed and dress appropriately. Contrary to popular belief, submissives do not run around half-dressed or naked in all social situations. Maintaining a neat, clean appearance will gain more positive attention than a thong and chainmail bra. Being demure and feminine (if you’re a female) is often the best option. Remember, a potential Dom is looking for a submissive, not a call girl, so a little modesty should be your trademark in most social gatherings. Some things look much better when enhanced by the imagination and a little hint can be a nice appetizer before the feast.

  4. Be well behaved. Being well-behaved speaks louder than any words you could use. Your actions will be watched by any interested Dominant, and although you won’t be expected to be perfect, you will be expected to have behavior befitting of someone He/She would want to claim as theirs. Misbehaving seems to get a lot of attention but it’s not the kind you may want. Picture a spoiled or undisciplined child who disrupts a classroom. The teacher is very aware of this child, but I doubt he or she want to take that child home. Although some Dominants may enjoy the challenge of a “feisty” submissive, I doubt many want the “subbie brat from hell.” Dominants take pride in the behavior of their submissive, so start out on the right foot.

  5. Be yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be what you think someone else is looking for. It’s important to be yourself. If you are playful and spirited by nature, then by all means don’t be afraid to show this side of you. The same applies if you are the more serious, quiet type. Little will be gained by trying to be someone you are not. Sooner or later your true nature will be apparent and both you and your Dominant will be in for some major problems and disappointments.

 

Source: http://web.archive.org/web/20071010061319/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/advice.shtml

A Submissive’s Bill of Rights by Jade

Our website has moved! Please check out this article on our new, independent website!

A Submissive’s Bill of Rights

  1. You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word “submissive” describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.

  2. You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.

  3. You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.

  4. You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else’s. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.

  5. You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns. Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn’t feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don’t like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.

  6. You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it’s your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.

  7. You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn’t, then something is wrong.

  8. You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn’t include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.

  9. You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they “belonged” for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It’s in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of “belonging” at last.

  10. You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn’t fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don’t settle for less.

  11. You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it’s up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.

  12. You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it’s a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart.

Source: http://web.archive.org/web/20071010061319/http://www.castlerealm.com/library/advice.shtml

From Vanilla to Kink

Photo from Tumblr.com

By Drea Martin

Several of you have expressed a desire to encourage someone  who hasn’t yet explored the  BDSM playground to do so.  This is a perfectly natural desire and one that I have experienced myself at various times in my life. The primary reason for this, in my opinion, is that when we connect with something that is so much a part of who we are at the most basic levels, it excites us. The freedom we feel at being able to lose ourselves in carefully monitored dark spaces and to discover more about ourselves and our most secret longings brings us to such a high place of exhilaration that we wish to share it with everyone, particularly those with whom we share our beds.

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