Top 10 FAQ About Getting Involved in the BDSM Community

community

Every day at A Submissive’s Initiative™ we get countless messages and emails about how to get involved in BDSM and the community so I’ve decided to put together a handy list of our top 10 FAQ for easy reference. 

  1. How do I get my partner to do what I want? The quick answer? You don’t. You can’t just make someone like the same fetishes or even be comfortable with the slightest reference to bondage. You can, however, use open communication to help them understand why you think that BDSM is important and/or can help better your relationship.
  2. How can I talk to my partner about BDSM? If you are shy or slightly embarrassed about your fetishes, try bringing it up slowly during foreplay or discussion with your partner. Discussing your desires is a great way to make sure you and your partner have a healthy and satisfying sex life. I always suggest using a checklist to talk about your BDSM interests. It’s a great way to break the ice about certain fetishes without having to bring up specifics, and it also covers all the bases. Or, you can be like me and just go all out with independent research and just surprise your husband by bringing it up.
  3. Where can I go to meet a sub/Dom? Fortunately, for most people there is actually somewhere local you can to meet others already involved in the lifestyle! I would suggest these websites we’ve compiled, but FetLife is the most popular. Find an established group that is hosting a local event, such as a Munch (see #8) or seminar, and contact whoever is in charge to ask any pertinent questions not already answered in their event information (such as whether the event is open to newcomers, singles, partners, is the event for specific activities, do you have to participate, etc). Posting ads in the PennySaver is probably not the best or the safest way to find a partner. You can, of course, find a professional, if you’re looking to devote some money and want some discretion, by doing a quick online search. You can also contact us to help you find local groups or professionals.
  4. Is there a list of who is safe to play with? Sorry, but just like vanilla dating, BDSM play has it’s risks too. Be sure you only play with people you know! I know that that seems hard to do, especially if you are new or trying to meet new people, but try to get to know those in your local community before you start diving in to playing. It’s not safe to do that in the vanilla world and there are certainly more risks involved if you do that in the BDSM community.
  5. But, I know someone who takes it too far? Is that normal? Every D/s relationship, whether you are poly or mono, should be fully negotiated before playing. You don’t have to sign a contract, but even a short-term contract may be a good idea if you’re playing with someone you aren’t in a relationship with. Whether or not the person is going “too far” is really dependent on that particular relationship’s agreement.
  6. How do I know if I’m submissive/Dominant? The only person who can determine what role (if any) you fit in is yourself. However, there are some characteristics of a submissive or Dominant partner that are usually good signs of those respective roles. For example, a submissive partner usually doesn’t like to make the decisions in the bedroom, while a Dominant partner likes to take control. You can also take this pretty extensive quiz to see what it has to say, but remember, your role can always change depending on your experiences.
  7. Is (insert activity/behavior) abusive? If you are asking, then it probably is. If you’re uncomfortable with it and your partner doesn’t seemed concerned, then it probably is. If you are forced or coerced into certain activities without negotiation, then it probably is. Of course, there will always be exceptions to these statements (i.e. TPE relationships or D/s that involves degradation or humiliation), but for the most part if you are in a relationship and your partner isn’t taking into consideration your own feelings or input, then you should think about whether that relationship is healthy for you. This goes for Dominants AND submissives. Yes, even a Dominant can feel threatened or stuck in a relationship (ahem, SAMs!). If you are afraid of your partner, find help immediately!
  8. What is a Munch? A munch is a meeting between other lifestylers that takes place in a public, vanilla setting. These are great for meeting new people or testing out the waters of your local community. They are usually at a restaurant or other local place and fetish wear is not worn, so don’t worry about having to “dress up”. Munches are meant to be put newcomers at ease and help everyone get to know each other in a comfortable setting.
  9. Can my partner have another Dom or sub if I don’t agree to it? Your partner can do whatever they want, but the real question is whether or not you are going to allow them to ignore your feelings. If you express your disagreement with your partner seeking other partners and they still do, then your next step is deciding whether to allow that direct disregard of your feelings or make a healthy decision to leave and find someone who won’t. Of course, you and your partner can always negotiate and come to a compromise. Healthy poly relationships have clear cut understandings about what circumstances another partner can be involved and those lines aren’t crossed.
  10. My partner isn’t interested, is ok for me to find someone else? BDSM is not an excuse to cheat. If you aren’t happy in your current relationship and you are tempted to find satisfaction behind your partner’s back, then end it. There is no point in staying a relationship that only makes you miserable. BUT! Before you do that, see #1.

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