With so much serious (and great) information at your fingertips when you visit our site, I thought I’d do something a little less serious, that you could even share with your ‘vanilla’ friends and family. I’m sure we’ve all seen those lists of sex laws that are on the books in some states. Lately, I’ve come across even more that I never knew existed. I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore by these things, but lo and behold, I was mistaken! What follows is a fun list I’ve put together combining many of these strange laws in one place. Some are not state-wide, and only on the books in certain areas, or cities, however, including that would make this article unbearably long, so I just decided to name the states.
Also surprising, I did not find one single law out there stating anything BDSM related was illegal! So, I guess it’s legal to spank, flog, tie someone up, and blindfold them, so we are in the clear on all that, apparently! Who knew?*
Many of you probably know you can’t buy sex toys in Alabama. (I know this because I lived there, and had to order anything I wanted online. Gotta love loopholes!) In Arizona, they say it’s okay as long as you have no more than two. I guess two’s a charm there! In California, they seem to frown on any man with a moustache, as apparently, those guys aren’t allowed to kiss women. Nothing was stated, however, about men with moustaches kissing each other, so, I suppose that’s okay. Also it is against the law to have sex with Satan without a condom! I guess they don’t like demon spawn on the west coast!
Tennessee seems to be on the old-fashioned side, with it still being illegal for a woman to ask a man out on a date! Better stick to tradition while visiting the Smokey Mountains! Also, make sure you don’t get pulled over with your zipper down, because that could get you fined. Brings new meaning to the saying, “XYZPDQ”! *
In Iowa and Idaho, it’s against acceptable standards to kiss longer than 5 minutes, and 18 minutes, respectively. If you’re having a medical emergency of the kind that requires you to ride in an ambulance in Utah, you better not have sex in there! You might get fined and publicly outed in the newspaper. For shame!
In Washington, bestiality seems to be okay, as long as said animal partner weighs less than 40 lbs. No love for cows, I guess. While in Minnesota, they frown on sleeping in the nude. They also don’t like it when you have sex with live fish. Does this mean dead ones are okay? Hard to say. In Florida, it’s considered offensive to shower while nude, and you are not allowed to have sex with a porcupine. (No comment there.) In 2009, a law was enacted that states it is illegal to have anal sex with any animal. Not all these laws date back before Women’s Rights, and the ‘Wild West’ just so you know! Although some are from that time, like the law in South Dakota that states ‘Prostitutes are not allowed to ply their trade out of a covered wagon’!
In Wyoming, It’s a no-no to have sex in a meat freezer. What about veggie freezers? Anyone? Anal sex is outlawed in Nebraska, and if you get caught, you could face up to 20 years in prison! Looking to enjoy some oral? Use caution when in South Dakota, Utah, Rhode Island, New Mexico, and Florida! All types of oral sex is illegal in those states. It’s also against the law to do the deed in any other position but missionary in the D.C. area, so watch out!
In Pennsylvania, 16 women living under the same roof constitutes a brothel, and is therefore unacceptable! Who comes up with these numbers? I suppose 15 is okay? Are you planning on some friendly voyeurism while at your local drive in movie in Oklahoma, seeing if any couples are making out, hiding in the backseat? That’s all fine and dandy, as long as you aren’t caught masturbating to them while watching! In Nevada, you are not allowed to conduct business while wearing a ‘penis costume’. Oh, the possibilities of fun with that law!
Sex with the lights on is prohibited in Virginia. In Oregon, it’s illegal to curse while fucking your wife. (Cheesey pun intended.) In Georgia? No sex for you unless you’re married! Period! In West Virginia, unmarried couples who ‘lewdly associate’ with one another and get caught could face up to a year in prison. In North Carolina, it’s illegal to have sex in graveyards. I guess they are afraid you might wake the dead?
In Wisconsin you are not allowed to fire celebratory shots from your firearm while your wife is having an orgasm. Really, who even has a gun within reach at that time? I suppose some fetishes might include this, I’m not sure. In Maine, Taxi cab drivers are not allowed to charge you fare if you are on your way home from an establishment that serves alcohol, if you offer them sexual favors instead, and they accept your offer. Yes, you read that right, and seriously, I did not make that up!
My personal favorite has to be this one from Massachusettes. ‘Sex with a Rodeo Clown is not allowed if you are in front of the horses.’ Seriously? Are the horses going to be offended? I highly doubt they would be jealous, I mean, well, you know!
It’s probably safe to say that these laws are not enforced to the letter, and some of them are quite nearly forgotten. According to Fox News, the United States has more laws on the books regarding sexual behavior than all European countries combined! After reading some of these, and omitting quite a few, I can believe that. So, how many have you broken? In conclusion, I would like to state that we are all dirty criminals, and deserve to be tied up and whipped, which, like I stated above, appears to be perfectly legal!*Hope you enjoyed these little tidbits!
* XYZPDQ means ‘Examine your zipper, pretty damn quick!’ (just in case you didn’t know)
*I would like to add that of course, Sado-masochistic behavior can be included under domestic violence laws, so please do not confuse my lightheartedness as overlooking these and other serious matters that are included in law books to protect the innocent!
I used more sources for this article than would be useful to link to, so I have not included any sources. Anyone can find this info with a basic search engine.