This is a PREVIEW article written by Akasha. To read the other chapters, visit her website. COPYRIGHT 2003, 2005 Akasha@Akashaweb.com
“I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy.”
I receive a lot of email from women who are exploring domination. Many of them are doing it at the urging of their husbands or boyfriends, and the woman’s attitude can range from “This sounds ridiculous and twisted and I don’t think I can ever do it but I want to make him happy” to “Hmm, sounds kind of interesting, but some of that stuff is just too weird.” The common question is always, “Where do I even start?”
I decided to develop a series of “scenes” that range from extremely tame to a little more risky. But rather than just say, “Tie up your mate and do this, that, and the other thing to him,” I wanted to add what is important:
- What YOU might get out of it
- How you can do it without feeling uncomfortable
- How to communicate about it
Hopefully, the end result will be that you find there are things you kind of enjoy, things you do once and say “not for me,” and things you do and look back and think, “Hey, that was really HOT! I want to try that again.”
To help you better understand where I am coming from, let me tell you a little bit about who I am, and about this web site. I’m a very normal woman living a very normal life, with a career, and a mate. Unlike most of the women I hear from, I got into “erotic power exchange” on my own, when I was an experimenting teenager, and was not introduced to this by a boyfriend or husband. When I was a teenager, while relatively sexually conservative, I was fascinated with the sensualism associated with games like tying up my partner, or using blindfolds. As I got older, I was exposed to more, at my own pace, and found that there were a great many things I could enjoy with a partner. Some of them are considered quite kinky. In fact, some of the things I do now, I would NEVER have imagined I would do! One thing has never changed though, and let me make this clear: I have always found the portrayal of “dominant women” in adult films and most adult erotica to be cheesy, ridiculous, and sometimes downright silly.
Chances are that you might only know about female domination from these ridiculous portrayals of latex clad divas and men acting pathetic and you feel embarrassed for them. Rest assured, this is NOT what you are going to become. These films are developed to cater to a male audience. And most men, while they kind of dig that fantasy, really want one thing: A woman who really ENJOYS dominating him. That is more important than a costume or a fetish.
First, the rules. Please read these WITH your mate.
- No nagging. Don’t push her into doing it. Let her do it when she is ready. Don’t pressure. If she says “I am going to give this a try when I am ready,” you are to back off and let her approach it in her own way.
- No asking for more. When she’s done with the scene or session with you, don’t ask for more. Even if you think you are complimenting her by saying, “Oh I am so turned on, please can we keep going” — DON’T. There is a time for communication (more on that later), but when she signals that she is done, you can’t ask for more.
- Don’t top from the bottom. No hinting at her, no telling her what to do, no trying to “help” her unless she asks for it. No trying to manipulate her into doing more of what you like. THE PURPOSE OF THIS IS FOR HER TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE ENJOYS. You already know what you enjoy.
- Don’t get addicted. The rush will be fantastic. Separate your relationship from your passion for these games and don’t let it rule your life. Provide her with appropriate affection and encouragement in the hours and days following her exploration, without expecting anything in return.
- Retain dignity. If groveling is your kink, please tone it down. Keep your reactions in check and note how she responds to your reactions. The goal here is to not have her feel uncomfortable when she sees you submit. All women react differently to varying degrees of humility in their mates. It’s your job to find out what her comfort zone is. It might change with time, but out of the gate you want her to enjoy it and not be distracted by you acting too pathetic for her taste.
- Enjoy yourself. Let go. Don’t compare yourself to the stereotype of what you think “female domination” is — whether it be a dominatrix you saw on TV or something you read in the newspaper or saw in an adult movie or B-movie. This isn’t the same thing.
- Enjoy yourself. Make sure you do the things you like and do them lots. If something feels right but you feel confused about it, know that you can reflect on it later, communicate with your mate and find out how you feel about it.
- Enjoy yourself. This is YOUR time. Do not get caught in the trap of thinking, “Ok, I can do this. I can stomach it to please my partner because I love him.” That’s not the point. It defeats the purpose.
- BE SAFE. Most of these examples are fairly tame, but always know your partner, his health situation, allergies. Always have a communication mode set up, either agree to talk openly during the entire time (So if he says “STOP”, that means stop), or set up a “SAFEWORD” if you prefer to role play — so if he says “STOP” and is just being dramatic, have a code word that really means “STOP”. Personally, I prefer open communication, especially if you are just starting.
The Ground Rules for Both People
- All play is initiated by the woman. She picks the date and time. It is up to her whether or not to give advanced notice, and also to still NOT choose to play at that time.
- Play starts AND stops when she feels it should. When she is finished, or “stuck,” or if she feels that it just isn’t clicking with her, she says, “I’d like to stop now,” and all bets are off.
- Communication must take place after the “scene” is over — in preferably three segments. One, about ten or fifteen minutes after completion. Spend some quiet time cuddling or making love, and then take a few minutes to reflect on how both people enjoyed it. Talk about it again later — a few hours later. Often new feelings come out. Then, try to talk about it the next day when you have had a chance to totally remove yourself.
Topics for Post-Scene Discussion
- What did she enjoy most? This is her opportunity to share what has worked for her. Also, ladies, remember that often a great deal of the pleasure the man receives is in knowing that he did a good job or made her feel good. This is your chance to give him praise.
- What pushed his buttons? Gentlemen, please do not use this post-scene time to lay out your laundry or wish list. YES, do tell her what pushed your buttons. But cautiously phrase things. DO say things like, “When you pinched my nipples, I thought I was going to lose it! That was so intense and exciting.” DO NOT say things like, “I wish you would have pinched my nipples more.” Don’t phrase things in the negative. Say what you liked, not what could have been better, UNLESS she asks you. This is confidence-building time.
- What odd emotions are you facing? For both partners. Guilt? Shame? Why are you feeling these things? What is worrying or nagging you? Talk through the roller coaster of emotions are you both feeling to better understand how this makes you feel. Note that many times the emotions run VERY high right after completing this kind of scenario, and it takes some time to level off. Think about what you are feeling and talk about it.
- Aftercare — do not underestimate the importance of “aftercare” for both partners. It is common for one or both people to feel exhausted, zoned, restless or confused. Often a sure-fire aftercare method, to help both people settle down, is good old fashioned quiet cuddling. Gentlemen, do not forget that femdoms need aftercare too — often they are dealing with confusing feelings of guilt, or wondering if they were adequate. Also, remember that aftercare comes also the next day — a phone call or an email to say again, “I really enjoyed that.” The bottom line: Communicate!
Quick Tips for Her Enjoyment
Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough how important these few tips are:
- ENJOY YOURSELF. Don’t try to do this just to please your partner. This is playful, sexual experimentation. Treat it as that.
DO NOT force yourself to do any of these things if you are not in the mood. Period.
KNOW THAT YOU CAN STOP whenever you want. He knows the rules. You do this on your time. Don’t feel obligated.
- THINK ABOUT the fantasy/scene ahead of time — a day or two before, a few hours before. Think about what will make it exciting for you. Think about how shocked and enamored he is going to be.
- REMEMBER there is no set start and stop time, or “time length” this should last. It may be ten or fifteen minutes. It may be a half hour. It may be broken up throughout the day or over a few days. When you are done, or feeling not quite into it, you say, “I am ready to stop now.” At first, you may want to purposely take less time in your adventures — they can be exhausting!
On to the Scenes
The following are simple suggestions for games that you can play with your mate. You take on all the risks involved, and please note that these are suggestions. Always keep safety in mind, and be aware of your partner’s physical and emotional well being. Always communicate and always have an agreed upon way to stop the interaction immediately. This is critical to trust and safety!
Description: Often a little light bondage is the easiest first step for a woman who is exploring female domination. I think I read somewhere that a great majority of couples experiment with light tying-up and blindfolding games at some point. It’s the most portrayed on primetime TV of all the female domination scenarios. You may have already experimented with this type of play with your mate. This time, though, do it on your terms. You choose the time, and you choose when and how to restrain him. Some creative, spontaneous examples:
- Lightly bind him to a chair and feed him dessert
- Tie his hands behind his back and make him service you orally
- Blindfold him and instruct him how to make love to you
- Tie him to your bed and pretend he is your sex slave, or someone you want playful revenge on. Pretend he is someone you have wanted forever, and now you have him in your clutches. IF you role play, make sure you tell him ahead of time how you want him to react. Should he be scared and timid? Should he be brave and stoic? Should he be a bit of a smart aleck, so you can give him an attitude adjustment? Which of these sound most fun to you?
- **Always remember to be careful with bondage. Handcuffs are flashy and fun, but have to be watched as they can dig into the nerves and do damage — only use them if you are not going to be putting a lot of pressure on them. Scarves, pantyhose, ties work well, but do NOT tie the knots too close to the skin. The point here is to create the aura; later, if you want to follow this path, you can learn how to restrain someone so he really cannot get away, and do it safely. Stay away from the neck.
- **Never leave your partner bound and unattended with no way to get free.
What do you get out of it?
For me, there is something very sexy and sensual about bondage. Maybe this is just in my wiring. The sight of a man bound tightly or helpless in some way is just raw. I always get fascinated with wrists, ankles, and hips during bondage. The little struggling bits get me very excited. I like to see a man challenged, and to me, bondage is a challenge. He’s helpless. I like things like heavy breathing, sweat — these things come out when a guy is struggling, even if it’s make believe. It’s also fun turning the tables.
Note to men: Your fantasies may include heavy bondage, latex, straitjackets, cock and ball harnesses, or real imprisonment. My advice to you: Back off. Let her learn to enjoy the concept of bondage first. If you are looking for those games, you have to put your own desires aside and let her evolve. She will not go from light bondage games to complicated bondage overnight. If you help her enjoy the above games, she is more likely to want to try more. Remember, it’s about HER pleasure!
Taking Charge of His Orgasms/Teasing and Denial (also known as “Chastity”)
Description: This is probably logistically one of the easiest games to play with your mate, and one that will generate the most results quickly. Very simply put, you get to control when and how he has an orgasm. Men often respond very well to being controlled this way. It is exciting for them, and they feel very helpless and enamored with a woman who is not afraid to control his sexual release. You start by simply telling him that he is not allowed to have an orgasm unless you direct him to, and with your permission. You can make the rules. If he is the nagging type, tell him that if he bugs you about it, you will put it off even longer. Make sure you continue to have him pleasure you, however. And make sure you let it be known that you are enjoying having this pleasure, and that he cannot have his own until you say he can. When you are satisfied with his suffering (a few days, a week, even a couple of weeks later), you can make him “EARN” the right to have an orgasm (you pick what he has to do!), or have a great lovemaking session, or even have him masturbate in front of you. He will be putty in your hands. He will probably be on the “honor system” as he could have snuck off at some point into the bathroom, or at work, and satisfied himself. But if he is serious about submission, he will confess if this happens, and you can make him start over again — or punish him by making him do something he hates (Clean the bathroom? Mow the lawn?). Always remember that the closer you get him to orgasm and then stop, repetitively, often directly results in making him hornier. Timing wise, these kinds of scenes work well in the course of ONE evening (lots of starting and stopping, so by the end of the night he’s just ready to explode and will do ANYTHING for you), or over several days, with periodic teasing. Teasing can include things like: A nasty phone call or voice mail in the middle of the day (tell him what you are wearing, that you are masturbating and let him listen, tell him about a fantasy of yours, or just simply say “I bet you wish you could cum right now, eh?”), a handjob in the morning that never leads to anything, the start of a blow job that never happens, wearing something super sexy and flashing him in the bedroom, making him go down on you, sending a pair of your panties to work in his briefcase, pointing out to him casually things about your sexuality, “Gee, it must be cold in here, my nipples are really hard, can you tell?” — Be a flirty tease, be sexy and know it, be confident and HAVE FUN. Tease the hell out of him. He’ll be fit to be tied!
What do you get out of it?
You call all the shots. You have complete control over your sex life. Regardless of your sex drive, this will always work in your favor — If you have a low sex drive and feel bad about that, who cares — you deny him, and it gives you the breathing room you have always wanted, and actually you may find your sex drive comes back when you aren’t pressured all the time. If you have a high sex drive, you can have your cake and eat it to. All the oral sex you want, when you want it, without having to return the favor. If you LOVE intercourse and can’t live without it, train him (it takes practice) to penetrate you WITHOUT having his own orgasm, or experiment with dildos and vibrators. The bottom line is that you will own your own sexual pleasure, and he will become more and more under your spell as his desire for you increases. If he starts whining, or nagging, or his behavior during this “high horniness time” is a turn off to you, TELL HIM. The last thing you want to do is reward bad behavior by not pointing it out. He will be looking to do what you want during this time, and if anyone needs to modify behavior, it will be him. I have found that most men (even non kinky men) respond to this kind of game because it’s sexy and fun, and most women can get into it because it’s relatively low pressure and she has many options to do it her way.
NOTE TO MEN: Your fantasies may include chastity devices or more severe treatment or humiliation regarding your inability to have release. Back off. This is about having her enjoy the concept of controlling your pleasure, and she must start with what is fun and not complicated. Chastity devices can be expensive and bulky, and in practice are often hard to implement. If she really enjoys controlling you verbally, she may go down that path, so make sure she has fun. Men are often tempted to create their own rituals and rules regarding “not being allowed to cum” because they have done it for so long all by themselves with a make believe femdom, or someone they met on the Internet. DO NOT try to mold your mate into this person. Let her find HER style. Got it? Bottom line again — let her find out what works for her!