How BDSM Saved My Marriage and Gave Me Peace of Mind

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This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever.

Rob and I, 2005

When I was 16 the restaurant where I worked burned down in an overnight electrical fire. The company transferred me to another nearby location where I met Robert. We had our first kiss in the hallway at the store after closing and many, many other kisses were to follow. Neither of us had ideal living situations and only a few weeks after our first date I moved over a hour away to live with my mother. But I still drove to see him every weekend and stayed until late, only to go back home and leave in the morning to spend another day with him. It wasn’t long after I moved that we realized Robert couldn’t live with his family anymore (he was staying with a sibling) and I convinced my mother to allow him move into our basement. I graduated highschool 6 months pregnant with our first child and moved two hours away in the spring to go to a college where I had already been accepted on a full scholarship. Robert joined us a few months later and was able to find a job to support our family.

Our family after the wedding reception.

Our family after the wedding reception.

After 5 years and another beautiful baby, we were married in a private ceremony with our closest friends and family around us. We were able to find our own apartment closer to my mother and Robert worked an overnight job, while I worked during the day. But as many people say, the first year of marriage is the hardest.

After a half-joking suggestion by my husband turned into drunken mistake on my part, our marriage took a rocky turn. I opened up to him and told him some of my hidden sexual desires. Some of them were hard for him to understand and it caused quite a ripple in our relationship but my husband loved me and supported my journey to find what I needed. After a lot of discussion we decided to try our hand at an open relationship, but that turned out to be too emotionally difficult for us.

For a long time, we didn’t talk much about it, but, of course, it was still lingering in both of our minds. We decided to still be open about our marriage, but that never developed into anything besides casual flirting and comments between ourselves (“Hey, did you see that chick?”). A year went by, we had another child and shortly after I quit my job to pursue my antique business I began doing some research on BDSM.

Who remembers this?

Who remembers this? 😛

I had a hard time organizing all the information I had found and decided to start a Facebook page to share the articles, websites and videos I thought were interesting. 6 months later that Facebook page, A Submissive’s Initiative, had over 10,000 fans. I was shocked.

I told my husband the news about the fan page and we discussed more the possibility of trying some of the things that had peeked my interest. In fact, during my research I had pleasantly discovered we had already tried a lot of bondage play and I was eager to dive further into the D/s aspect as well! I already had my own little rituals for taking care of the house and that made my husband’s day easier, so I had no problem with adding anything else my husband required. I was quick to jump to his requests and found immense pleasure in fulfilling the little tasks he asked of me.

When I first brought up BDSM to my husband he wasn’t quite sure what to think. He was confused, but most of all concerned for my safety. After all, I was asking him to do some pretty sadistic stuff! I printed out a copy of an article called BDSM: A Guide for Nice Guys and a lengthy BDSM checklist (we now have a modified and simpler version available). I gave him the article to read on his own time, but we went over the checklist together. I explained anything that he didn’t know about and we talked about what items on the list were off limits, what we would be willing to try and what we had already tried.

The ASI Checklist!

The ASI Checklist!

Going over the list together was quite therapeutic. We were both nervous about talking about these things with each other, but at the same time I was excited to start something I thought would be good for us. We laughed at some of the items on the list, had to Google some of the others and, by the time we finished, had a comfortable understanding of where we were headed.

After the list I definitely went into a “sub frenzy”. I was determined to learn as much as I could so I could help guide us both through this journey. And it was wonderful to have the support of my ASI family along the way! I soon found out there were more role options than just Dom and sub and I honestly felt like crying with relief when I discovered being a “Little” and how well it fit me.

It took me several more weeks to work up talking to my husband about being my “Daddy”. I was afraid he would misinterpret the meaning of the relationship or why I needed it so badly, but the first time I called him “Daddy” out loud (after weeks of saying it in my head) it felt perfect.

Jessica Engagment (31)In the following months we continued to learn together. We created an amazing balance in our lives that would not have existed without D/s. I appreciate my husband more and can energize myself and find a peace during our sessions together. No matter how short or how long they are, we always come out of our spaces closer.

Now, almost a year after starting ASI we are certainly still learning, but we love it! We have grown closer as a couple by discovering that BDSM filled a need we both had, but didn’t know about. And by finally realizing that I only need my Daddy’s approval, for him to tell me I’m beautiful, I have accepted my body and who I am completely. ASI has given me a new spark. I am confident as a woman, a mother, a wife and as a Little.

I will continue to work extremely hard to provide BDSM education to anyone who wants to learn because I truly believe it can help a lot of people who would otherwise be oppressed and misunderstood because of an ignorance that CAN be prevented.

Disclaimer: I am not claiming that BDSM will fix YOUR relationship, only that it is what worked for us. However, I do believe that D/s has certain principles that can be applied to any relationship to foster better understanding and communication.

5 thoughts on “How BDSM Saved My Marriage and Gave Me Peace of Mind

  1. I’m a new sub and my master and i live apart how do we have a d/s relationship 24/7 when we are apart til we move in together

  2. Exactly this, it has saved our marriage and given me peace. It has made my life, and our life together so much better, after so many years of pain.

    My husband was very reluctant to be called Daddy because of negative connotations. I told him just this morning how happy I am that he’s my Daddy now and how I’d wanted a Daddy for so long. He said he’s glad that it’s him, he’s glad he’s my Daddy. I’m so grateful to him for being able to open up to my needs, and in return he’s got the close happy relationship that he wanted.

  3. Dear Jessica,
    Thank you for sharing such intimate details of yourself, husband, and marriage. I’m delighted that living the lifestyle has brought you and yours closer/bonded. Most importantly that Your self esteem is that of being happy and healthy. I’m a dominant female starting to see a submissive slowly coming out. My husband is submissive and through the blogs I follow, and our conversations I can see he’s starting to be more dominate with me. Indeed having full open communication is an absolute must. I just wanted to share that I appreciate all that you do to provide information on your site. I’m delighted that I follow your blog site.
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia

  4. “the first time I called him “Daddy” out loud (after weeks of saying it in my head) it felt perfect.” I understand this completely.

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey. For those who are attuned to such things, BDSM can be a relationship and life saver, but no, it’s not for everyone.

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