Warning Signs of a Bad Dom

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We take certain risks, enjoying our sexuality the way we do.  We want someone to dominate and control us, someone to take us to the limit inside and out, yet we need to feel safe knowing we are respected.

The qualities that create the partnership between Dom and Sub are as varied as there are participants; however, there are certain warning signs to look out for in order to avoid an experience you’d rather not have:

1.            Keeping you away from people or places you enjoy – This is really the warning sign for any potentially abusive relationship.

2.            Controlling behavior outside the scope of sexplay – again, a classic warning sign.  This and the previous item have nothing to do with our Dom’s orders regarding dress and so on.  These have to do with being frightened down deep in your core of doing the wrong thing.

3.            Public humiliation, or any humiliation not part of the “games” we play – We all have the things we like to do and say and how we like to be.  We are submissive.  Being made to feel embarrassed and ashamed is different and wrong.

4.            Beating or physical violence outside the scope of sexplay – This is self-explanatory.  We may like to be hurt, but this is not that.

5.            Lack of concern on the part of the Dom about going too far – As I said at the beginning, we need to feel safe.  We want our Dom to take us as far as we can go, but it is essential we not be forced to go too far.  If someone is not concerned for your limits that is not the person you should be with.

6.            Abuse of drugs or alcohol – This is not a discussion about the responsible use of either.  It is a plain fact that someone who is abusing drugs or alcohol is someone who is (a) not going to be paying attention and/or (b) unpredictable and not in a good way.

So, be who you are, love who you wish however it pleases you (and your Dom).  Remember, too, looking out for yourself is vital to your complete enjoyment.  A good Dom, one who wants to bring out your best and most beautiful self, is how you get there.

3 thoughts on “Warning Signs of a Bad Dom

  1. Recently is was contacted by a Dom Mistress who read my profile on a popular adult affair site. My profile listed a few fetishes and fantasies I have but I did not claim to be involved in the bdsm lifestyle. She said to contact her if I was interested in being trained as a slave and exploring my particular fetishes further. I am totally new to bdsm so pardon me if any of my terms are incorrect. At any rate I emailed her and she emailed back with a picture of her. The picture was of a stunning woman and kind of reminded me of the pics you might see in a phony profile. But then again, maybe its real. So I responded with sort of a “wow, so this is really you” kind of thing. I then wrote explicitly about my particular fetishes, and explained I am completely inexperienced in the bdsm world, but curious, now that she contacted me. She wrote back that she was disappointed I questioned the picture, but perhaps that was part of her role?
    She then explained that in order to prove my commitment to begin training sessions, and before we would meet I would need to buy a bunch of bdsm gear which I found out amounts to about $900 and have it shipped to her prior to our first session. I had followed up with various questions trying to get a feel for how this would go down, whats expected of me, a few questions about her, would anyone else be present, does she have other slaves, does she use a contract, etc. i also said it would take a week or so to get that kind of cash to buy the gear. I also asked for additional pictures. She wrote back that she hates my procrastination but would wait to see if I purchase the gear, thereby proving my commitment to being trained by her. She said she would send pictures after I bought the gear and would explain more things about everything during our first session. Otherwise she has not seemed to explain much about herself other than saying she chose me because she feels that our fetishes are compatible. She even gave a physical mailing address where to send the gear and to use a specific online bdsm store who she says they know her. Sure enough I dropped her name and they knew her and even had the address she gave me on file.
    Is this normal to be asked to drop $900 on a bunch of bondage gear, before meeting or knowing not a whole lot more about her than I said? She did tell me her age, height, shes not attached, no kids, got into bdsm after a heartbreak
    Etc.

    So please give me some insight…
    do I run from this or is this considered normal in the bdsm world? I half trust her at the moment. But I feel if I try to ask more questions she will just write how disappointed she is in me. My inclination is to walk away, but then my kinky brain is saying wait, this could be an experience you have dreaming of! Any insights will be greatly appreciated!

  2. Master K, that’s why she also said ‘This and the previous item have nothing to do with our Dom’s orders regarding dress and so on. These have to do with being frightened down deep in your core of doing the wrong thing. ” after that. This isn’t talking about TPE or anything regarding submissive service, but controlling that is outside that scope (not allowing you to see family and things of that sort).

  3. As a long time Dominant, I do have a slight concern with #2.. I appreciate the intention of it, but if I may, I would like to offer a bit of a challenge to how it is portrayed with in that statement.

    The message you have is ” Controlling behavior outside the scope of sexplay ” … As a Master and one who has a household built on the concepts of Service slavery, this point (#2) indicates that if you are doing controlling that is not with in the scope specifically tied to sexplay then it is wrong.. So how then do you explain Power exchange relationships? I am not trying to troll here, only offering a point of difference 🙂

    I like the document, feel its well done for the most part, but #2 has me concerned that it could say to someone new that if they are entering into a relationship that involved Power exchange (which many do) that if the control is outside of that sexual aspect then this is a Bad Dom and you shouldn’t be with them… I honorably ask that you revisit this point to see if the discussion may be reworded some…

    Best wishes,
    Master KazariK

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