By Jessica Cocker
BDSM isn’t all about kinky sex. Yeah, that’s certainly a perk to the relationship, but for some.. it’s not even part of the equation! There are so many different types of BDSM dynamics, that there is no way you could try to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship.
However, being a submissive comes with certain qualities that are hard to deny. We are eager to please, always looking for encouragement or satisfied replies. We feel the urge to give up power to someone we can trust and finally be able to fill a void that has been lingering in our lives. Being submissive is a part of who we are. It doesn’t go away and though submissive traits can be nurtured, I don’t believe you can “train” someone into being submissive.
I think a lot of people consider BDSM relationships difficult to maintain, but I honestly believe that, once established, a D/s relationship can be easier than a vanilla one. With a D/s relationship your boundaries are negotiated and obeyed. Both partners should understand what they are wanting to gain from their relationship and what they are not looking for as well. I find it extremely relaxing to be able to turn my mind off and simply BE my Daddy’s sub. Finding that place with him and knowing where I belong and what is expected of me takes the guess work out of every day.. it gives both Daddy and myself control over our relationship on a level we couldn’t have found without D/s.
Being submissive can be quite simple. It can be the little everyday things you do for your Dom that make you feel important. By simply making his coffee just the way he likes it, being there to greet him in the outfit of his choosing or preparing a meal for him you are being submissive. Submissives can also take on other tasks (or punishments if needed) if the Dom chooses as well. This could mean wearing a plug for an extended period, special cleaning tasks or sending him updates during the day.
Beyond the physical tasks, being submissive also means establishing trust, honesty and communication in the relationship. You should always TRUST the person you are submitting to. Without that foundation anything that is built on to it will crumble. Plus, who really wants to be tied up and gagged by someone they don’t trust? Honesty can take a lot of courage, but once you are able to step out of that comfort zone it will be easier to understand each others’ desires and needs fully. Take the leap and it will be worth it!
Communication goes hand in hand with honesty. Talk about what you are wanting, what you won’t do, what you want to try, what you are curious about, etc. And keep that communication open at all times. Just because you are submissive does not mean your opinion doesn’t count! You can say “no” and discuss what YOU need as well! Because BDSM should be enjoyable for BOTH partners.
Of course, being submissive sexually does not mean we are submissive in our entire lives. There are many sexually submissive women who are powerful in their careers and as a submissive I have plenty of responsibilities around my house and in the vanilla world. I am opinionated, loud and I was an authority at my job, but there is no way I could take that authority into the bedroom. It just isn’t in my nature to be sexually dominant.
Submissives are equal to their Dominant partners in the overall relationship, but when broken down and examined the differences are obvious. Most importantly, both roles play important parts in creating a fulfilling and stimulating experience!